Finally

It's been awhile, but I have good reason. The majority of my friends live out of state now, which has led me to be a very lonely Karen. Yeah, I've made friendly overtures at people, but I like to think that I have high standards when it comes to introducing people to my family, so not many have lasted. Well, FINALLY, I have a friend here in Arizona that lives CLOSE to me!! Yeah, I sound like a dork. Oh well. We have new neighbors, and not only are they our age and share the same interests as us, but they have a five year old daughter, so they know what it's like! If our kids are crabby, they know how to either deal or ignore. They understand just how important that game of Chutes and Ladders is, and that our attention REALLY is required right away when someone wins the game. So now, the guys are going golfing on Saturday, and then later Jennie and I are leaving the kids with the guys and going shopping....Holy crap! This is so cool! Haven't had a friend like that since Alicia moved away...Miss her. Tobo, you'd get along with Jennie GREAT, I think. Can't wait to introduce you!

Oops!

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "There's a car being towed from the parking lot" he shouted. A few moments passed, "An ambulance just drove by" A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company" he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike." A few moments later, "Looks like the Sanders are moving." "Jason is on his skate board." A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex!" Startled, Mom and Dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having sex?" "Because Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too."

Marriage Practical Jokes

Some practical jokes

Smaller or larger tuxedo

A friend got married and I, being the best man, decided a humorous practical joke was in order. One of the duties of the best man is to make arrangements for the pick up and return of the groom's tuxedo. After final fitting, rent an extra coat jacket that is either three or four sizes smaller or larger than the groom's. Explain to the tux shop what you're up to. Pick up the groom's fitted coat, switch with the extra rented coat, and deliver to the groom only when it becomes time to actually get dressed. The friend of mine wore a 42 long, but the one I provided was a 38 short. Talk about some serious fun! Don't reveal that you know anything as long as possible.

Write on the bottom of shoes

Someone once took a large black ink marker and wrote "Help" on the bottom of the groom's left shoe and "Me" on the bottom of the right shoe. So when he knelt down for his vows, the entire congregation saw it. Of course, this will only work if he must kneel with back to congregation (i.e. Catholic wedding). Make sure you get it so that it is readable with the shoes side by side, left to right, toes toward the floor. Do this far enough in advance so that the paint is dry before the groom wears the shoes to avoid damaging carpets. Besides "Help Me", other possible message to write on the soles are (with varying degrees of cruelness): Left Shoe (I'm With) Right Shoe (Stupid [pointing arrowhead]); Left Shoe (Quick, Call 911!) Right Shoe (Never Mind, I'm Doomed!)

Cheap plastic rings

A groom buys the engagement ring at a jewelry store. As the groom enters the room, we "have been talking about" the news that says the jewelry store he just went to is being investigated for selling plastic diamonds to unknowledgeable customers. This didn't work too well but maybe if you have better actors in your group it would.

I'll just call my lawyer about this

Another on that I have seen pulled is to have someone speak out at the time the minister asks, "If anyone has good reason why these two should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace."They had a pregnant lady stand up and say, "Oh, never mind! I'll just call my lawyer!" It rattled the groom's mother so much that she fainted.

A secret pregnant lover

At the rehearsal dinner for my boss' daughter and son-in-law-to-be, a loud eight-months pregnant teenage girl suddenly appeared at the back of the room screaming ten minutes worth of curses that would befall the groom if he didn't marry the pregnant girl like he promised. It was set up by the boss' wife, and I am told that the groom very nearly burst into tears protesting his innocence.

One way ticket across the country

A groom's friends decided to throw his bachelor party the day before the wedding, and as often happens on these occasions, by the end of the evening, everyone was completely drunk, and none more so than the guest of honor, who promptly passed out in a corner of the room. When he woke up, he found himself sitting in an airline seat with no wallet or money or anything on him except a one way ticket to San Francisco. He was worried sick until he finally arrived at San Francisco from New Jersey, where he found a ticket at the courtesy counter back to New Jersey. It seems that one of his prospective in-laws worked for an airline and had some comp airfare to use. The groom got back to New Jersey barely four hours before the ceremony, and was barely able to stay awake long enough to say "I do".

Return your keys

Before a friend's wedding reception, we passed out keys (blanks) to several girls and one guy. Before some toasts were made, the best man said to the guests, "Now that Jim is married and is no longer available, it is probably a good idea to have any of you girls out there with a key to his apartment to please turn it in now." Then the pre-selected girls (about thirty of them) slowly walked up and handed in their keys as they made bedroom-eyes at him and flirted a bit; some of the girls would turn in not just one key, but six or seven of them. Then the guy walked up, turned in the key, and kissed the groom on the cheek. It's probably not original, but it worked pretty well.

Variation of return your keys

Another twist to this would be to distribute fifteen blank keys to male friends of the bride-to-be and two more blank keys to a guy and a very old lady. Then, during the reception, while people are making toasts, announce to everyone that since the bride is no longer available, any guy with a key to her apartment should turn it in at the tray that has been set up, whereby the fifteen pre-selected men would walk up and turn in their keys and make the same announcement for the groom, whereby both the old lady and the other guy would both walk up with their key.

Do you already have a child?

During the wedding ceremony, when the minister/preacher/priest comes to the part about, "If anyone has any reason why these two people should not marry, speak up now or forever hold your peace..." have this four-to-six year old boy running up the aisle yelling, "Daddy, daddy." I understand from a friend who played this joke on a relative that it took almost an hour to get the wedding started again.

Balloons

Obtain access to their getaway car. Fill with balloons. A few extra helium balloons in the trunk with their luggage is a nice touch.

Add some peanuts

If you can get access to their luggage after they have packed, add styrofoam peanuts in whatever nooks and crannies are left.

Impossible to drive away

Jack up the car, put blocks under the axle, then lower the car onto the blocks. When the newlyweds try to make their getaway, watch them rev...and rev...and rev.

Brake wired to the horn

The best man at my friends wedding rigged the horn to sound every time the brake was pressed, they drove half way down the road until they realized what was going on and had to return to fix it.

I deserve to be married

For a small fee, you can get an agency to have a pregnant "ex-girlfriend" appear at the service, in a wedding gown, claiming the groom-to-be the father of her child and demanding *she* should be the one to be married. The one I saw even had a bunch of dead flowers with her!

Who has the ring?

When the groom asks the best man for the ring, he turns and nervously says he doesn't have it, who then turns to the next groomsman and asks the same question, and so on until the last person turns and grabs a giant box of Cracker Jacks that contained the wedding ring. The whole church was rolling as the best man and his co-horts had the last laugh. It was truly classic.

Laughing gas in balloons

At a friend's wedding, the bridal party filled their car with balloons--all filled with laughing gas. They put them everywhere, under seats, in the glove box, etc. They popped the balloons, and everyone was relaxed and laughing.

Kids

A kid's view on marriage

What Exactly Is Marriage?

"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents" -Eric, six years old
"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." -Anita, nine years old

How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?

"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." -Kelly, nine years old
"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -Carolyn, eight years old

Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" -Bert, five years old

How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?

"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values." -Lottie, nine years old
"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind." -Jeremy, eight years old

What Do Most People Do on a Date?

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -Martin, ten years old
"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." -Craig, nine years old

When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -Allan, ten years old
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -Kally, nine years old

The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?

"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan" -Kirsten, ten years old
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them" -Anita, nine years old
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -Will, seven years old

I need humor

"Insanity is hereditary: You can get it from your children."
Sam Levinson.
"Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off."
Ralph Bus.
"There are few things more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own."
Doug Larson.
"I like children - fried."
WC Fields.
"Everytime a child says, 'I don't believe in fairies', there's a a little fairy somewhere that falls down dead."
JM Barrie.
"The trouble with children is that they're not returnable."
Quentin Crisp.
"I Love children, especially when they cry for then someone takes them away."
Nancy Mitford.
"Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home."
Bill Cosby.
"Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla."
Jim Bishop.

"I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?"
Denis Leary
"Work is the curse of the drinking classes."
Oscar Wilde
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
Groucho Marx
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
Brooke Shields (during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign).
"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."
Humprey Bogart.
"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
Joe E Lewis.
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."
Ernest Hemmingway.
"He was a wise man who invented beer."
Plato.
"I can resist everything except temptation."
Oscar Wilde

Mad

Mad. Angry. Pissed off. Insulted. Unimportant. Invisible. Worthless. Idiotic. Unfair. Stupid. Liar.

I'm sure that there are other words that I have left out. All these, just add "My foster child makes me feel (like a)..." We have about 3 weeks to go before he moves back in with his mother, and man, the time during the previous 2-3 weeks has dragged. His behavior is at the point where his therapist said to me, "You are a better person than me for putting up with this .I would have put it into CPS' hands long ago." He has decided (and told me) that since he is going back with his mother, nothing that I say really matters. He thinks that I'm an idiot and he hates my kids, so why should he listen. Oh, and of course, it's all my fault, because I lied to the therapist about how his treatment towards me and my kids really is.

WHAT????? All this from an 11 year old child, a child that I have been practically killing my self over, trying to get him to start on the right path, the one that will make it possible for him and his mom to live together again. I have beat myself up over all this, over my feelings towards this child. I shouldn't dislike a kid, especially one from the situation he had been in, but man, hard not to do when he acknowledges what he should do, and then says "but I don't want to." We are now at the point that he is moving back with her whether his behavior/attitude is appropriate or not, and if it does not work, then he will have to go into foster care, or to California to live with other family. I will not open my house up again to the treatment I have received since March 3rd.

I feel like growling.

In keeping with the previous post.

IN LAW JOKES!

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing; and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" " My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me." The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually. "Needs ironing," he said.

Mother Knows Best: At a senior citizen's meeting, a couple were celebrating their 50th Anniversary. The husband stood up and was telling story of his dating habits in his youth. It seemed that every time he brought home a girl to meet his mother, his mother didn't like her. So, finally, he started searching until he found a girl who not only looked like his mother and acted like his mother, she even sounded like his mother. So he brought her home one night to have dinner, and his father didn't like her.

Two lifeguards are working together on a beach when one of them notices sharks circling a woman who has drifted out a little too far. He begins to get up to race to her rescue when the other lifeguard grabs his arm and holds him back.The first lifeguard says,"Why are you holding me back? We have to go save that woman!"To which the other replies, "Don't worry. That woman is my mother-in-law.""Are you trying to kill her?""Although the idea may be tempting, that is not my intent. Just watch."With that, the sharks organize themselves beneath the woman, and ride her on their backs all the way to shore, safely depositing her."What in the world gave you the notion that would happen," asked the first lifeguard."Professional courtesy."

My MIL said to me, "I'll dance on your grave." I said, "I hope you do. I'm being buried at sea."

Sometimes you cannot tell if a man is trying so hard to be a success to please his wife or to spite his mother-in-law.

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a very mean looking dog on a leash. Behind that were 200 women walking single file.The woman couldn't stand her curiosity.She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral procession like this. Whose funeral is it?" The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband." "What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. "Can I borrow the dog?""Get in line."

Two guys were talking at work. "I've got a problem," said the first one."What is it?""My wife has done it to me again. I'm supposed to buy my mother-in-law a present for her birthday, from the two of us. And, I am fresh out of ideas. I mean, it's HER mother, why can't she buy it?""What did you buy her last year?" the other one asked."Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot.""Hmmmm, hard to top that one," said the other.The two guys couldn't come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn't buy his mother-in-law anything for her birthday.When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, "Thank you all for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren't so thoughtful!"Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year!"

In-Laws

So, I have this problem with in-laws. Not my in-laws. My very own parents. So, technically, my husband's in-laws. They do NOT get along. And I mean, in the zero respect, telling each other that the other doesn't listen, and needs to get down off the pedestal type of not getting along. And this was all actually said in the middle of a decent conversation. And it tears me up. I know that my mother can be a royal pain in the ass. But she is my mother, and happens to be the only one I have. (I have 3 fathers, though!) And my husband can be difficult to get along with. But I love him, with all my heart. I chose him, and I have to believe that I chose well. But, the two of them. If I want them to get along, I have to get them both drunk. Sometimes, this sucks. I hate to be cliche, or what ever you want to call it, but can't we all just get along?!?

And the battle begins...

The Battle of the Binkies. Makes me shudder. And yet, here I am, waist deep in combat with...my three year old. And at times, I'm fairly sure that she has the upper hand. Because, when she REALLY gets going on one of her binky-withdrawal fueled rages, I get desperate to make her stop. And in the past, I have caved. But today, I stood my ground. I took all the binky's and I hid them. No, I didn't throw them (which I should have) because the thought of dealing with these rages all through the night gives me the cold sweats. I don't have a problem if she sleeps with them. As soon as she falls asleep, I put them on her dresser. But I hate that she walks around ALL day with the damn things in her mouth. So, like I said, I hid them. And the tantrum that ensued was horrific. She screamed non-stop for over an hour. Not just for the binkys, but about her toe hurting, and that the song on the radio wasn't her favorite, and that the boys looked at her, and so on and so on. This continued to my nephews house, where I had to drop off the router, clear out to Grandma's house, where I headed when I realized I needed reinforcements. And, I won. (sort of) She finally stopped screaming and went back to her usual sunny personality, clear until nap time, when she started again in the car on the way home. And I was able to squish it with the simple comment that if she continued to scream, she wouldn't have her binky for nap time. Hey, I'll take what quiet I can get!

What a weekend!

Thanks to the Fourth of July holiday today, my husband had a four day weekend. My parents went out of town, so we took care of their pool, making sure the chlorine was right, and Hayward the pool cleaner thingy didn't get clogged,(he did) watering their plants and feeding the birds and fish. Steve's cousin just moved out here from Jersey, so we spent half the weekend visiting with him and his dad. We ended up having them over to my parents, since we don't have a pool, and it's too damn hot here. It was an absolute blast. I'm exhausted from three days straight in the pool, and my kids are walking zombies. I seriously think that Ian was asleep before his head hit the pillows. We didn't go see any of the fireworks; I have to say that it has become way too commercialized: $10 to get in, $4 for a water bottle, banners advertising any and everything. Plus, being out in the heat surrounded by 100,000 other people with pissed off, screaming kids yelling for the fireworks to start NOW isn't my idea of a holiday. Instead, I enjoyed my freedom to do absolutely nothing productive in the usual sense. Instead, we spent time with our kids and family. Best way to spend a holiday, in my book!

Oh, so THAT'S what I was thinking!

Continuing from my previous blog, Ian's biological father contacted me. Sent me a message, saying that he heard I was looking for him. He then proceeded to give me cell #'s and various emails, saying that he would LOVE to hear from me. What??? Since when? Well, whatever. I happen to be a very curious person, so I called him. Now I know why I was doing this searching crap, out of the blue. After speaking with him, I have zero anger left over him leaving me pregnant and leaving Ian without knowing him. Best God damn thing he could have ever done. Thank you for saving me from you. I don't think that he ever matured past 16. He was telling me all about how he spent 6 mos. in jail out here, and the car chase that preceded his jail time; and he actually seemed to think that this was impressive. Yes, running from the cops with a trunk full of drugs that you "didn't know were there," crashing into 3 cars, and then damn near getting tasered is awesome. Whatever. And in the midst of all this, when he finally even mentioned Ian (after I brought him up) he thought that Ian was almost 4. Ian is in first grade. Age 6 and a half. Holy crap, *****! How much drugs have you been doing?! Which leads me to my only confusion in all this... If he didn't want to hear about Ian, why was he so eager to make contact with me?