I need humor

"Insanity is hereditary: You can get it from your children."
Sam Levinson.
"Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off."
Ralph Bus.
"There are few things more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own."
Doug Larson.
"I like children - fried."
WC Fields.
"Everytime a child says, 'I don't believe in fairies', there's a a little fairy somewhere that falls down dead."
JM Barrie.
"The trouble with children is that they're not returnable."
Quentin Crisp.
"I Love children, especially when they cry for then someone takes them away."
Nancy Mitford.
"Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home."
Bill Cosby.
"Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla."
Jim Bishop.

"I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?"
Denis Leary
"Work is the curse of the drinking classes."
Oscar Wilde
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
Groucho Marx
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
Brooke Shields (during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign).
"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."
Humprey Bogart.
"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
Joe E Lewis.
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."
Ernest Hemmingway.
"He was a wise man who invented beer."
Plato.
"I can resist everything except temptation."
Oscar Wilde