What was I thinking?!

Sometimes my mind just, well, boggles itself. I've been doing all the healthy eating, exercising crapola (I usually sound happier about it, just not today!) and I have to say that its been going well. I'm down about 19 pounds, and wearing clothes that have not fit for quite awhile. I have almost hit my target weight, and seemed to have plateaued, so my oh-so-brilliant mind came up with something guaranteed to help launch me off the plateau.

Brain: Well, now, body, since we've gotten you up to 2.5 miles on the treadmill, running parts of it even, I think you are ready for a new challenge.

Body: Well, maybe, since the treadmill is starting to get kind of boring. What did you have in mind? Ha ha, Brain, get it? Mind?

Brain: Very...Funny, Body. I think that you should hop up on that bicycle of yours that is just sitting there in the garage and go for a ride tonight.

Body: But what about the kids? Lex can't keep up, and Ian isn't exactly the king of watching where he is going?

Brain: I've got it all figured out. Your brother will watch the kids for $5, and he'll even ride his bike over so you don't have to take him home.

Body: But where am I going to ride? Brain: Ride over to your aunts condo; your mom is there painting, and then you can have a nice break in the middle of your ride. Its perfect!

Bod: Great idea!

Famous last words. Apparently my brain forgot to tell my body that it was 2.5 miles to the condo, which meant 2.5 miles back to the house. Did I mention that the last time I really rode a bike, I was 15? That's 11 years ago, give or take a few months! I was so not prepared for it! I do have to say, though, that I made it, and surprisingly enough, today my legs don't hurt at all. My rear end, however, is another story.

Rear End: Brain, I effing hate you!

Proper Etiquette for the Summer

In honor of our record-breaking temperatures, I give you this. (Yes, I know you've probably already read it before, and I don't care. Now you're reading it from me!)

Please raise your big toes and repeat after me:

I pledge to follow The Rules when I wear sandals and other open-toe shoes (even if I have hobbit feet)

I promise to always wear sandals that fit. My toes will not hang over and touch the ground, nor will my heels spill over the backs. And the sides and tops of my feet will not pudge out between the straps.

I will go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and chip-free. I will not cheat and just touch up my big toe.

I will sand down any mounds of skin before they turn hard and yellow.

I will shave the hairs off my big toe.

I won't wear pantyhose even if my misinformed girlfriend, coworker, mother, sister tells me the toe seam really will stay under my toes if I tuck it there.

If a strap breaks, I won't duct-tape, pin, glue or tuck it back in to place hoping it will stay put. I will get my shoe fixed or toss it. No matter how much it hurts.

I will not live in corn denial; rather I will lean on my good friend Dr. Scholl's if my feet need him.

I will resist the urge to buy jelly shoes at Payless for the low, low price of $4.99 even if my feet are small enough to fit into the kids' sizes. This is out of concern for my safety, and the safety of others. No one can walk properly when standing in a pool of sweat, and I would hate to take someone down with me as I fall and break my ankle.

I will take my toe ring off toward the end of the day if my toes swell and begin to look like Vienna sausages.

I will be brutally honest with my girlfriend/sister/coworker when she asks me if her feet are too ugly to wear sandals. Someone has to tell her that her toes look like they've been dragged behind her car on the way to work and no sandal in the world is going to make her feet look good.

I will promise if I wear flip flops, that I will ensure they actually flip and flop, making the correct noise while walking and I will swear NOT to slide or drag my feet while wearing them.

I will promise to go to my local beauty school at least once per season and have a real pedicure (they are about $15 and worth EVERY penny). I say spend another $15.00 and get a even better one.

And finally...

I will promise to throw away any white/off-white sandals that show signs of wear...nothing is tackier than dirty white sandals.

For all our sakes, please don't keep this to yourself - pass it on to other Sisters. May God Bless your Soles as well as your Soul!

I think I have become my mother!

Really. It must be genetic (duh!). I spent today spring cleaning. And not just spring cleaning, but even a few hours today planning and purchasing items for spring cleaning! So far today, after hitting up Ikea and Target (plus a stop at Dairy Queen for the spring breakers) I have managed to totally organize/clean both pantries, I organized the cabinet under the kitchen sink (chemicals, vases and trash bags now, misc before) and I have practically re-boxed everything from our closet. All that stuff went from miscellaneous brown and shoe boxes to these pretty red, white and gray striped boxes from Ikea. Man, I love that store! I still have a ton of organizing to do in there, and I ran out of boxes, so another trip to Ikea, but I think I've made a very bizarre start! I guess for me what is so odd about the whole spring cleaning is that I usually begin in the fall, and finish around winter. Why the off schedule? Like I said, must be genetic! I'll have to post some pictures if I ever finish!

Silly Kid-isms

The Middle Wife

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome to.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord." She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh, oh!' " Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning. "My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall. "And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming water flowing away. It was too much!
"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.' They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there." Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.