VINDICATED!!

Anyone who knows me should (hopefully) know that I am not overly whiny. I also don't (usually) exaggerate my situation. Unfortunately, I don't think that my mother understands this. For 6 years, any time I have complained, whined, or even just, in passing conversation, mentioned that my kids have been difficult, I have received the same response. "I gave birth to 3 children and had 10 more daycare kids on top of that, so you have nothing to complain about." Seriously, this was the standard response to any child oriented remark I made, even when it wasn't aimed at her. So, after adding our foster child, I made sure to keep as many of my comments away from her hearing. Still, I heard, occasionally, when I would mention how nice a vacation without kids would be, that she had 3 kids and 10 daycare kids with no vacations, and therefore I had no room to complain. Jump forward to this weekend, with all 3 kids staying at her house while Steve and I got away. Just Friday night through Sunday midday. We dropped the kids off at about 4:30 pm and went and had a wonderful evening. (More on that later) At breakfast the next morning, I called her to see how the kids were doing. Keep in mind she has had them for 18 hours at this point. Her response? "I don't know how you do this every day. It's been more than I can handle; I had to send A**** with your dad, I couldn't handle it." Finally, I am vindicated. I have earned her respect (and apologies) for doing something she cannot. Yay seems understated for how I feel about this, but YAY! anyways!

The Rules

Ten simple rules for dating my daughter

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as hell not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate; when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early".

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a dim-witted has-been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and twenty-five acres in the country. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Random Funnies..Last is the Best

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father. "The little boy replied, "My daddy doesn't wear his collar like that" The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over andsaid, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it. The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex." Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?" he asked the pastor. The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15 ?"

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics. "How much do you weigh?" she asks. "115," I say. The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 140. The nurse asks, "Your height?" "5 foot 8," I say. The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5' 5". She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high. "Of course it's high!" I scream, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!" She put me on Prozac.

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results ofher savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I 'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all mybusiness!"

That's when she shot him.

My Thursday Thirteen

So, this might be repetitive at times, but I decided cover what I plan on doing at the hotel this weekend* with my husband and no kids....

1. Sleep

2. shower uninterrupted

3. Shave my legs

4. swim

5. sauna!

6. pedicure

7. sleep

8. sex

9. shopping

10. sex

11. sex

12. eat

13. cry (at checkout)

* order may vary.

Oh, and by the way, can anyone tell me how how to make different lines without skipping lines/leaving spaces between lines? That part of HTML alludes me still...

******UPDATE******

We interrupt your normally scheduled Blogging to bring you this important update:

Young Mr. Ian R***, at age 6 and with only 10 weeks of karate training, has just tested to the level of Dragon Purple belt...one expert commented, on condition of annonimity, "We are thinking...Child Prodigy". Ian was heard to respond, "Thanks Mom."

We now return you to your regularly scheduled blogging

Good (medical) news!

Took Lexi to the doctor (again) for a follow up of the previous follow ups follow up. You following? Anyways, good news! Her lungs are strong enough to take her off the Pulmicort and stop the Albuterol every four hours! I can sleep through the night again! Now, she is just taking the Flo-Vent inhaler morning and evening and her Singulair in the evening! We're down to 2 medications! Big news, considering that at one point, she was taking 8 meds each day. Plus, this is the first time in months that we didn't have to schedule a follow up for 3-5 days later! I am so happy!

All 3 rugrats

My Thursday Thirteen

Ok, read on a couple of other Blogs about this Thursday Thirteen, which is basically thirteen random thoughts to provide more insight for those reading your Blog and wondering, "what the...?!"

So, here goes....

13 Random thoughts, straight from my mind to the computer

1. I wonder how people figure out how to make their Blogs so visually interesting...I thought I was doing good figuring out how to bring in a font that wasn't on the font list!!

2. Why do credit card companies send me offers for YEARS and YEARS, and then when I finally respond with an application, they turn me down!!! Apparently, I needed to have a current card with a $5k limit to qualify for their card!? Uh...If I had a card with that limit, I probably wouldn't have been applying to them!

3. Did you know that (supposedly) in Canada, if your child is Canadian and you are a stay at home parent, you get paid per kid?? NOT FAIR!!

4. I'm so lazy...I really just want to spend my days doing nothing.

5. Although I wish I could do karate like my 6 year old is doing. He's really good. He should be testing next week for another new belt. (that will be belt number 5 in slightly more than 2 months)

6. sometimes I wish my husband and I had taken a honeymoon.

7. Then I realize that if we had, I'd just be wishing for a second honeymoon

8. I love my truck!

9. I will be so devastated if it turns out that my daughter is allergic to our dogs.

10. family can be so irritating at times. Not like my kids or my husband, though. More like parents, and siblings, and so on.

11. This is harder than I thought it would be, especially since most of the thoughts in my head are random. I must be tired.

12. I'm afraid that I may be addicted to Dr, Pepper. Anyone know if there is a 12 step program for that?

13. I have so much housework to do tomorrow. I'll plan on finishing almost all of it, but after I get home from taking the kids to school, I know my laziness is going to reassert itself, and I'll hardly get anything done. I really am way too lazy!

Ok, there's 13 way random thoughts, so I can publish and then go to bed. I am exhausted.

I'm sure I've met the customer...

This is a true story from the WordPerfect help line. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"... Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage"

"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

Poor baby

Poor baby Lexi....This is not how life should be at age 2. But, here she is, stuck like this every 4 hours, plus all the medication she has to take. Never knew asthma could be this bad...

My wonderful family

I love my family....I guess that technically some people might consider me slightly biased, but I do happen to believe that I have one of the best husbands out there (he's good looking, too!) and some good, cute kids. But, come on...Look at the picture. I rest my case.

Makes me feel smart!

1. AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who
had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas
canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in
the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and
forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein
the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money
in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the
store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police
showed up and grabbed him.

5. Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just
couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man
in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot",
the man shouted, "that's not what I said!".

6. A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7. In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a
Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to
simulate a gun... Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.


8. Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour
east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a
problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new
22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no
matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make
it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be
able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed
everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the
out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and
pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.
He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

Feelin' old?

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those #!@?&#$ kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar!

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh S*$..Whatt the hell happened?"

Bonus:

26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.