No, really, this IS my life....

Responsibility Sucks.

2008-01-30T08:34:00.000-08:00

I'm semi-depressed at the moment. And it is for a somewhat stupid reason, but just because I have to be responsible doesn't mean that I have to like it or be very mature about it.

Back up to November 2007. Wait, back up a little further, first. I have 2 children, 2 beautiful wonderful children that I lovingly carried for 9+ months in my womb, letting them feed off of my body. Kinda like leeches, if I really stop to think about it. In order to show me their gratitude and remind me forever that I had, in fact, carried them, they tore my body up. Apparently, if you gain somewhere around 60 pounds (each time, I might add) and have the same genes as my grandmother, well, kiss your cute little 18 year old body good-bye. Stretch marks, extra skin, yucky boobies, all of that, you will be blessed with. Did I know this? No, because my mother is a mutant, and came through all 3 of her pregnancies with 2, yes 2, itsy bitsy teeny weeny microscopic stretch marks. No extra skin, no boobies down to her belly button, nothing. So I thought, somewhat mistakenly, that my genes would be slightly more similar to hers.

Fast forward to November 2007. After several years of moping about, bitching about what our ~~leeches~~ children had done to my body, husband decided that I had definitely earned some much needed repair. Off to the plastic surgeons office we went. He poked, prodded, lifted, measured and molded until I thought my husband might explode. After all, husband was sitting right there the whole time Mr. Doctor was lifting and all. But he maintained his composure, and even laughed at me standing there in my paper gown and socks, freezing my ass off. Once fully redressed we headed into his office. While waiting for him, we played with the implants that were lying on the table just asking to be squeezed. Just before I could attempt to throw them at husband like a water balloon, Mr. Doctor walked in. We went through before and after photos of other women who had had the same procedures I was interested in and asked and answered questions. No, they won't pop if you throw them like a water balloon, by the way. Full of information and on cloud nine after seeing photographic evidence that we could repair the damage wrought by grandmas genes, we headed into his office managers office, supposedly to go over financing options and what not. That is where they dropped the quote on us. $17,000.00.

$17,000.00! $17,000.00? $17,000.00. Doesn't matter what way you say it, that is beyond an ass load of money. I'm sitting there telling the office manager that it will be awhile before we can come up with that kind of money, even with financing, and husband butts in with, no really, I think that it will happen sooner rather than later. He must still be in awe over the pretty boobies we saw, cause usually he is the frugal one. We get the financing info, the office managers card and tell her we will call once we can come to terms with either the price, or husband forgets just how pretty the boobies were.

For the next week we talk about the cost, both financially and recovery wise, because the work on my tummy would practically incapacitate me for 2 weeks, and leave me very, very whiny for another week or two. Again, husband is adamant that I get this done in the very near future. I decide, well, lets see if getting the financing is even an option. I apply, and lo and behold, they approved us for the full $17,000. WTF? OK, now I'm getting excited. Sure, it means that we'll be a little tighter money wise, but both kids are in school next year, I'll be able to go back to work, which would fix that. So, we decide that spring break 2008 is the perfect time. Kids are out of school, so I don't have to get up to take Ian to school, and Ian would be around to help me with his sister, the dogs, my sweetly worded requests. Plus, that is after tax time. Because we only have one income, plus we have a rental property that is a loss year after year, we always seem to get a tax return. I know that this is an interest free loan to the government, but it also means that we get a surprise at the beginning of each new year. So, we can use some of that to put down on the surgery, to lower the amount financed.

Well, I filed our taxes on Monday. And, the amount we are getting back is ridiculously high. High enough to pay off all but one of our nine credit cards, pay the registration on both vehicles, put back a decent chunk for emergencies and still have a couple hundred to take care of Ian's birthday in February and maybe even have dinner out.

Hmmmm......... Be responsible and debt free, or be selfish with a great rack and flat tummy.

Like I said, responsibility sucks. Once summer hits, I'll be the one by the pool. You'll know it's me by the floppy tummy and saggy boobies.

Shhh, don't tell anyone, but....

2008-01-08T14:25:00.000-08:00

...I'll share one of my resolutions with you guys. I haven't even told my husband this one. Don't you feel special?

I want to run in the PF Changs Rock 'N Roll marathon next January.

Ok, maybe not the full marathon. 26.2 miles, not very likely, at least with the shape I'm in right now. Or the shape I'm out of right now. But 13.1 miles in 4 hours? Maybe. Could be very possible, after all, I have a full year to prepare for it.

Now, as to why I haven't told anyone I don't actually know? I'm not positive I can do this, and I don't want to be laughed at, or pushed towards it. I want it to be me, my decision, and that is easier for now as I train with no pressure. The closer I get to the marathon, the more I will know if it is something that I feel I can accomplish (or not). If I feel I can, then I will tell family and friends. Plus, I know that my blog is not a widely read one, it's more for me than anything else. Makes me feel better, anyways.

Is cliche the right word?

2008-01-02T10:33:00.000-08:00

And, how do you make the little mark over the 'e'? Sometimes I am so computer illiterate, it's embarrassing. But, to my original point, corny, cliche, whatever you want to call it, our family sat down together last night and went over our goals for 2008.

*as an aside, when I say our family, I mean myself, my husband, our kids, my parents, my step dads ex-wife, 1 of my 2 sisters and 2 of my 3 brothers. Cozy, huh?

It was interesting, to say the least. I also think that it was productive. We were able to discuss with other people we trust just what our goals were, and how we thought we would be able to accomplish them, and ask for help with some. For instance, I want to improve my posture. Both my mother and my step dads ex-wife have offered to point out to me when I am slouching, which will help immensely, since slouching is an ingrained habit at this point that I don't recognize unless I am focusing directly on it. Both my husband and I have typed out our goals and framed them to sit on our desk. This way, I think that I won't be able to sit back in December and wonder just what I have accomplished that I had actually intended to accomplish. I'll even share them here, on my blog, although not all of them, some are very personal and I didn't even share them last night.

2008 1 Year Goals

· Family vacation – California or similar
· Be more patient with the kids
· Take more pictures of my family
· Try new recipes, one per week
· Healthy meals 5x per week
· Pay off Ultimate bill – TV
· Don’t touch the ‘keep the change’ account
· Open a Roth IRA
· Take at least 2 college courses
· Renew real estate license – 24 hours by July 31st
· Undergo surgery
· Work on better posture
· Walk every day, at least 15 minutes, more like 45
· Purge the paperwork build-up
· Check and open mail daily – throw away the junk immediately
· Become more organized, less scatterbrained

2008 5 year goals

· Truck paid off
· Surgery paid for
· Revolving debt paid for and unused
· Associates degree finished
· Have a career in mind – more solid
· Honey moon - cruise or Hawaii (both)
· Rental house sold – November 2009

By the way, I won't call them resolutions. These are goals, things for me to work towards, but in no means am I a failure or have I failed if they aren't accomplished in 12 months. Or so I let myself think!

Something happy, for a change.

2007-12-22T13:00:00.000-08:00

**As a side note, December has yet to redeem itself. After flying back from the double funeral in Iowa, which took place a day after a major ice storm that caused the airport to shut down, us to have to drive up from Omaha, and the airline to lose our luggage and then return it to us soaking wet, we received even more bad news. An uncle of mine, only 47, had a heart attack last week Monday. My other grandfather was at the hospital visiting him and collapsed, and later started bleeding from the ears. We're waiting to hear about the CT results. Plus, my dads cat died. December still sucks. But here's something happy and creative from my 7 year old that might make you smile**

Ian, who is almost 8, came home from school the other day, excited as can be (and if you know a 7 year old, that can be REALLY excited) about a class assignment. They had to make up a new Christmas tradition. He then proceeded to tell me about the 'Pickle Present'. Get your mind out of the gutter, please!

You have an ornament shaped like a pickle, and on Christmas day mom or dad have to hide the ornament somewhere in the tree, and the first kid to find the ornament gets the 'pickle present', and extra gift, apparently for having the sharpest eyes, or being able to crush your little sister before she can get the ornament. (a scenario I see as exceedingly likely, given Lexi's size)

He asked if we could make that a tradition, and I replied with, 'only if I am able to find an ornament shaped like a pickle.' Yep, I found a pickle ornament, first time I looked. $3 at Target. People use pickles on a Christmas tree?! Or, is a 'pickle present' really a tradition and I've just been missing out? Either way, Tuesday morning my kids will be hunting for a pickle in a Christmas tree.

I Quit.

2007-12-10T08:32:00.000-08:00

December sucks. I quit. And it doesn't suck for the usual reasons, trying to buy Christmas presents with little cash. No. This December flat out sucks eggs. Last Sunday, December 2, my grandfather flew down to Arizona to spend Christmas with us. He is probably my most favoritest person in the world, I grew up with him, we, along with my grandmother, traveled all over the country during the summers, stuff like that.

He didn't wake up on Tuesday. This Thursday, we will be back in Iowa for his funeral.

Not only that, but last night my great aunt died as well. His sister in law. She is to be buried on one side of my grandma, and he is to be buried on the other.

We are now attending a double funeral.

December sucks.

Did I lie?

2007-11-26T20:16:00.000-08:00

Hmmm..... Think that I had posted something about keeping up with my posting, and not ignoring my blog for weeks on end. Here we are, just over a month since my last post. Oops. I just never seem to find the time, not anymore. There have even been periods of time where the computer has been entirely off, for several days at a time! That's usually unheard of! But I am trying to keep on top of the house, and holidays, and spend time with the kids, yadda yadda yadda. Still, I suppose I could post once in awhile, maybe, possibly.

I just feel so overwhelmed. Maybe it's the season, and I should just get over it.

Oh, man, if only I weren't a stay at home mom!

2007-10-23T18:08:00.000-07:00

I wish I could use these out of office messages. It would make me happy:

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

7. I've run away to join a different circus.

8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'Steve'.

Quote Me

2007-10-23T18:00:00.000-07:00

I read this from an anonymous confessor on TrueMomConfessions.com. She found it somewhere, and posted it for all us spouses to read. I like it.

'True love does not come by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly' - Jason Jordan

2 Month Hiatus

2007-10-18T15:59:00.000-07:00

Wow, what a relief. I am still alive.

Computer time is at an all time low, with school having started again for Ian. I volunteer in his class at least 3 times a week, and bring Lex along for the ride. She loves it, but I'm exhausted! Plus, soccer has now started, and I can say, for the first time ever, I am officially a soccer mom! The team mom, to be exact. Much more running around than I had previously thought.

I'm also on my second spring cleaning kick of the year. I know that in most of the country, it is fall, but here in Arizona, we have Spring 1 and 2, and a six month summer. My biological clock has been tricked by these mild(er) temperatures, and has convinced my brain that soon there will be new little birdies and bunnies, and April showers, so my house MUST be cleaned post haste! Stupid biological clock.

Of course, when I did spring cleaning number one, earlier this year, I didn't exactly get everything done before temperatures reached approximately the same as in Hell, so it is somewhat required. You'd think, then, that I would start by cleaning everything I didn't get to earlier this year. Hahahahaha, yeah right! That stuff is waaayyy too dirty at this point, so I'm sticking to stuff that only has 6 months worth of crapola. Those window screens are never gonna get clean. (Although, I did clean the actual windows today. Well, the front three, anyway)

I am going to attempt to blog slightly more that I have over the past 60-odd days, not like that will be too difficult. I'll also have to catch up on my blog reading, since I haven't read any of my favorite blogs for nearly as long as I haven't written. Yeah, I'm really on top of stuff, ain't I?

**Sidenote** Why you have to love kids. While cleaning said front windows, I decided to get out the ladder and wash the window above our front door. The bottom of this window is about 9 feet above the ground, so I have to get out the ladder to do this. I get said ladder out, set it up directly in front of the door, so that I don't have to lean very far. Before going out front (through the garage, I tell both kids, "Hey, don't go out the front door, I'll be up on the ladder." I climb up on the ladder and start washing all the grime off only to have my son open the door and ask, "Hey, mom, what did you say about the front door?" I'll have my response for him after the body cast comes off.

Definitions NOT in the dictionary

2007-08-14T18:21:00.000-07:00

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growinginthe middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after theyaredead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. and MY Personal Favorite!!

WRINKLES: Something other people have. I have character lines

Watch what you say to your wife!

2007-08-01T18:21:00.001-07:00

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?" "Yes," was his incredulous reply. She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it." Priceless

Yesterday

2007-07-26T10:44:00.000-07:00

I took a break yesterday from painting and all of the house stuff and had the best laugh with my kids. It was raining out here and the kids had been standing in the window watching it come down, and looking at all the massive puddles that were forming, and suddenly, I realized that I had never really taken them out to play in the rain. So out we went, into the light drizzle. The kids ran and jumped and splashed like mad little children, thunder rumbling in the distance, for a good 20 minutes. I stood watch, calling out "Car" every once in awhile.

Then, out of the blue (or grey) (wait, is it grey, or gray?) the heavens opened up and it began to POUR! I had done so well, not getting wet at all, and then this. I was soaked, the kids were soaked, and we were all laughing. I opened the garage, and stood inside while the kids continued to play in the rain. At one point, they were on the ground in the driveway making 'water angels' for a good 10 minutes. After that, they dried off, got dressed and headed for the Legos.

I am so glad that I took a break from the house!

Update

2007-07-17T20:32:00.000-07:00

Still painting the damn house. I'll be a better blogger when I'm done, I promise!

Hope

2007-07-05T22:18:00.000-07:00

I do hope that the person who created wallpaper, especially the 6 inch BORDER paper that does NOT come off, died a horrible death covered in wallpaper paste.

It took me 6 hours to remove the wallpaper border in one bedroom. Not even a huge bedroom, something like 12 x 12 and the equivalent of one wall was not even papered!

Humor on a hot day

2007-06-20T13:38:00.000-07:00

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife." So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him. Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket." She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?" "I sure did, " said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."

100 Years Ago...
A lot of this is applicable to our grandparents, and even some of our parents.
It May Be Hard to Believe That A Scant 100 Years Ago...
The average life expectancy in the United States was forty-seven.
Only 14 percent of the homes in the United States had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. A three minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was ten mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the twenty-first most populous state in the Union.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
The average wage in the U.S. was twenty-two cents an hour. The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2500 per year, a veterinarian between $1500 and $4000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births in the United States took place at home.
Ninety percent of all U.S. physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason, either as travelers or immigrants.
The five leading causes of death in the U.S. were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3. Diarrhea 4. Heart disease 5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
Drive-by-shootings, in which teenage boys galloped down the street on horses and started randomly shooting at houses, carriages, or anything else that caught their fancy, were an ongoing problem in Denver and other cities in the West.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was thirty. The remote desert community was inhabited by only a handful of ranchers and their families.
Plutonium, insulin, and antibiotics hadn't been discovered yet. Scotch tape, crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
One in ten U.S. adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
Some medical authorities warned that professional seamstresses were apt to become sexually aroused by the steady rhythm, hour after hour, of the sewing machine's foot pedals. They recommended slipping bromide, which was thought to diminish sexual desire,into the woman's drinking water.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health.
Coca-Cola contained cocaine instead of caffeine.
Punch card data processing had recently been developed, and early predecessors of the modern computer were used for the first time by the government to help compile the 1900 census.
Eighteen percent of households in the United States had at least one full-time servant or domestic.

BTW

2007-06-15T17:17:00.000-07:00

My summer posting, not going to happen so much this year. See, this new house has a pool. That means that we can spend HOURS swimming, and I don't have to pack anything up, or drive anywhere, or deal with anyone else's kids unless I invite them over. One kid can play in the sandbox while the other swims, and if one of the kids happens to be taking a nap, I can take the other outside to swim, and have no noise in the house to wake her/him up. This is frickin' awesome!

Now, to go wash all the pool towels that have accumulated before we swim again!

I think I have become addicted!

2007-05-21T16:01:00.000-07:00

I found a new website, and I think that I may beed a 12 step program. It's www.truemomconfessions.com and it is.... interesting, to put it mildly. I wonder how many moms that I know are posting some of these confessions?

Unfortunate Typos

2007-05-01T20:12:00.000-07:00

These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainmentand gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"

I'm still alive!

2007-04-16T19:49:00.000-07:00

I mean that in 2 ways. First, haven't blogged for awhile. Sorry. My dad was headed out this way to visit for a week, and because our history isn't the best, it caused me some serious stress. I spent at least 10 days trying to get the house ready. I overhauled the garage, our desk, both the back and front yards, everything. I even rented a commercial carpet cleaner and attacked the carpets 36 hours before he was scheduled to arrive. Last week, he arrived. It was an...experience. He left today, which leads me to number two: I'm still alive. I made it through his visit, without killing either of us. At times it was a near run thing, but when it really got to me, I hopped on my bike and logged some miles. It was even more stressful for me since he was staying at our house. We don't have a guest bedroom (for that reason!) so our 7 year old had to give up his room and sleep on the couch, which sucked for keeping school bedtimes. Our morning schedules were very difficult to keep, but the kids did awesome. The other (other) part was that dad didn't want to sit around the house. I understand that and all, but he is the one who was on vacation, not us. He had his vehicle, and he did go around without us, but I still felt like I needed to keep him entertained. It really didn't matter what I did, though, as he complained about everything. Ah, well, as I said, at least I survived! Now back to putting my house back into the spectacular shape it was in Tuesday night of last week!

What was I thinking?!

2007-03-29T15:35:00.000-07:00

Sometimes my mind just, well, boggles itself. I've been doing all the healthy eating, exercising crapola (I usually sound happier about it, just not today!) and I have to say that its been going well. I'm down about 19 pounds, and wearing clothes that have not fit for quite awhile. I have almost hit my target weight, and seemed to have plateaued, so my oh-so-brilliant mind came up with something guaranteed to help launch me off the plateau.

Brain: Well, now, body, since we've gotten you up to 2.5 miles on the treadmill, running parts of it even, I think you are ready for a new challenge.

Body: Well, maybe, since the treadmill is starting to get kind of boring. What did you have in mind? Ha ha, Brain, get it? Mind?

Brain: Very...Funny, Body. I think that you should hop up on that bicycle of yours that is just sitting there in the garage and go for a ride tonight.

Body: But what about the kids? Lex can't keep up, and Ian isn't exactly the king of watching where he is going?

Brain: I've got it all figured out. Your brother will watch the kids for $5, and he'll even ride his bike over so you don't have to take him home.

Body: But where am I going to ride? Brain: Ride over to your aunts condo; your mom is there painting, and then you can have a nice break in the middle of your ride. Its perfect!

Bod: Great idea!

Famous last words. Apparently my brain forgot to tell my body that it was 2.5 miles to the condo, which meant 2.5 miles back to the house. Did I mention that the last time I really rode a bike, I was 15? That's 11 years ago, give or take a few months! I was so not prepared for it! I do have to say, though, that I made it, and surprisingly enough, today my legs don't hurt at all. My rear end, however, is another story.

Rear End: Brain, I effing hate you!

Proper Etiquette for the Summer

2007-03-20T21:52:00.000-07:00

In honor of our record-breaking temperatures, I give you this. (Yes, I know you've probably already read it before, and I don't care. Now you're reading it from me!)

Please raise your big toes and repeat after me:

I pledge to follow The Rules when I wear sandals and other open-toe shoes (even if I have hobbit feet)

I promise to always wear sandals that fit. My toes will not hang over and touch the ground, nor will my heels spill over the backs. And the sides and tops of my feet will not pudge out between the straps.

I will go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and chip-free. I will not cheat and just touch up my big toe.

I will sand down any mounds of skin before they turn hard and yellow.

I will shave the hairs off my big toe.

I won't wear pantyhose even if my misinformed girlfriend, coworker, mother, sister tells me the toe seam really will stay under my toes if I tuck it there.

If a strap breaks, I won't duct-tape, pin, glue or tuck it back in to place hoping it will stay put. I will get my shoe fixed or toss it. No matter how much it hurts.

I will not live in corn denial; rather I will lean on my good friend Dr. Scholl's if my feet need him.

I will resist the urge to buy jelly shoes at Payless for the low, low price of $4.99 even if my feet are small enough to fit into the kids' sizes. This is out of concern for my safety, and the safety of others. No one can walk properly when standing in a pool of sweat, and I would hate to take someone down with me as I fall and break my ankle.

I will take my toe ring off toward the end of the day if my toes swell and begin to look like Vienna sausages.

I will be brutally honest with my girlfriend/sister/coworker when she asks me if her feet are too ugly to wear sandals. Someone has to tell her that her toes look like they've been dragged behind her car on the way to work and no sandal in the world is going to make her feet look good.

I will promise if I wear flip flops, that I will ensure they actually flip and flop, making the correct noise while walking and I will swear NOT to slide or drag my feet while wearing them.

I will promise to go to my local beauty school at least once per season and have a real pedicure (they are about $15 and worth EVERY penny). I say spend another $15.00 and get a even better one.

And finally...

I will promise to throw away any white/off-white sandals that show signs of wear...nothing is tackier than dirty white sandals.

For all our sakes, please don't keep this to yourself - pass it on to other Sisters. May God Bless your Soles as well as your Soul!

I think I have become my mother!

2007-03-15T22:20:00.000-07:00

Really. It must be genetic (duh!). I spent today spring cleaning. And not just spring cleaning, but even a few hours today planning and purchasing items for spring cleaning! So far today, after hitting up Ikea and Target (plus a stop at Dairy Queen for the spring breakers) I have managed to totally organize/clean both pantries, I organized the cabinet under the kitchen sink (chemicals, vases and trash bags now, misc before) and I have practically re-boxed everything from our closet. All that stuff went from miscellaneous brown and shoe boxes to these pretty red, white and gray striped boxes from Ikea. Man, I love that store! I still have a ton of organizing to do in there, and I ran out of boxes, so another trip to Ikea, but I think I've made a very bizarre start! I guess for me what is so odd about the whole spring cleaning is that I usually begin in the fall, and finish around winter. Why the off schedule? Like I said, must be genetic! I'll have to post some pictures if I ever finish!

Silly Kid-isms

2007-03-06T19:56:00.000-08:00

The Middle Wife

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome to.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord." She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh, oh!' " Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning. "My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall. "And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming water flowing away. It was too much!
"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.' They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there." Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.

Reality of a Budget

2007-02-28T13:16:00.000-08:00

So, as I had posted before, last week my fortune cookie blasted me about making a budget and sticking to it. Nosy cookie. But I had to laugh, because the reality is, I'm a pretty damn frugal person. We rarely eat out anymore; even last weeks Chinese was paid for by my mother as a thanks for helping us. We only bought our new house because we walked into it with $30,000 in automatic equity and we could rent our previous house out for $300 more a month than our mortgage payment. My truck that hubby got me last year for our anniversary? Almost $10,000 under price because it was a dealer buy back. Plus, I "rent" it out to people who need hauling done, along with my muscle, with some months manages to at least bring in the payment, plus gas expenses. My favorite buy, most recently, though, was this weekend.
When we bought this new house back in October, it did not have a refrigerator. We left our fridge in our previous house because we could get more for rent in a house with all the appliances. We have been borrowing a friends 'garage fridge' for the last 4 months, and while it has worked and was free, it was little, and our friend was starting to need it back. I came across the fridge that I have been looking at for the last year, a stainless-steel-freezer-on-bottom-dual-door-fridge in the scratch and dent section of an appliance store. 60% off. I looked and looked and looked some more, and the ONLY issue was a small (1 inch) scratch on the freezer door handle. I brought hubby back a couple hours later to take a look and see if he could find anything else wrong with it, but nope, that was it. We had been planning to buy a fridge like this mid-summer or so, but with the discount, we grabbed it right then, and voila, it was delivered yesterday morning. I am sooo in love with it. I don't have to stoop anymore to look for items in the fridge, no more buying or making ice, as there is a built in ice maker. Filtered water on the door means my kids can help themselves without drinking all my water bottles. Plus, the best part? Since we had budgeted the full amount, I now have the balance to buy a dishwasher, mid-summer, and it is not going to run us anything more than we had already planned on spending this year! I love finding deals like this!

Are they trying to tell me something?

2007-02-22T07:53:00.000-08:00

Last night I was so tired after spending the day at my parents condo doing remodel work, so I took the kids for Chinese for dinner. Yum! However, we get to our fortune cookies, and you wouldn't believe what mine said. Wait for it...

ADJUST FINANCES-MAKE BUDGETS TO IMPROVE YOUR FINANCIAL STANDING.

I just got told by a cookie :p

Gynecological joke

2007-02-17T10:15:00.000-08:00

***This is a joke, I didn't do it!***

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the
week.

Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to
tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am.
I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was
already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I
didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene
when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to
make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was
sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that
area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in
the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to
my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called
in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table,
looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I
was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an
extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The
rest of the day was normal .. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking.

After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out
from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had
all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

Never going back to that doctor, ever

Hello!

2007-02-14T15:12:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day to those of you who enjoy the holiday! Quick update on Ian and the new school: He seems to be settling in nicely, although the first several days were rough and had me worried! He was very upset that he didn't make friends as quick as he wanted to, but he is getting over that. Hopefully he will be fully settled in with friends by Spring Break, and life will be (ha!) normal.

A little laughter is good for you

2007-02-08T14:35:00.000-08:00

Gotta Love Old Men

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?" The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

The verdict is in.

2007-01-29T16:19:00.000-08:00

I will be pulling Ian out of his school either tomorrow or Wednesday. The principal was unwilling to make the switch for various reasons, until she realized that her teacher had broken the law and given me private information about another child. Right after I told her that, she was willing to have him change classes, provided that I don't talk to any parents about any of this. Hmmm.....Don't think so, lady.

The waiting game

2007-01-26T14:15:00.000-08:00

I finally went to the principal today to request a classroom change for Ian. Yesterday was the last straw, when she was waaayyy too angry for something as small as ripping a piece of paper that didn't belong to him. (he found it outside on the playground after school, and she thought that this was enough to drag him over to me and inform me that since he didn't try to find out who the paper belonged to, since there was no name, now a child has hurt feelings. And she was genuinely angry!)

I am aware of my child's faults. I know that he probably shouldn't have ripped something that wasn't his. But he is 6. Did she really expect him to ask all the kids on the playground if these paper glasses belonged to anyone? Seems a little odd, and blown out of proportion to me, especially on the anger part.

We'll hear the decision on Monday. The principal asked for enough time to talk to the teacher, and observe the class a little on Monday. I'll wait, but only that long. I think that it has gone on long enough.

an interesting by the way, I talked to another mom from his class after my meeting. She informed me that another student was pulled from the school because they would not let him change classes, and then she told me that she is pulling her son out next week because of the teacher as well. Think it's just a coincidence??

Parent Teacher Conference

2007-01-21T10:53:00.000-08:00

I had the conference with Ian's teacher Friday morning, and I am still confused. To recap quickly, if you didn't read the post below, I had to meet with the teacher to discuss Ian's 'anger issues'. I drop the kids off at my mother's house at the ungodly hour of 7:15 (remember, we carpool, so I don't take the kids to school, which means I don't have to get ready first thing in the morning. I know, poor me!) I arrive at the school, and while we are waiting for the PE teacher, his classroom teacher and myself start on her portion of the meeting. The run down? I heard about what a wonderful kid he is, and how smart he is, and that his biggest problem is trying to be funny at the wrong times. Anger? Oh no, he controls himself very well, and in fact is able to walk away from the other kid when they have issues. The kicker on the anger part? I find out that not only is Ian not the angry child, he's actually being bullied to the point where other teachers have been told to keep an eye out for it! And yet, I was told we needed the meeting for his anger. I mentioned this, and she said, well, yes, he was very angry last week when I told him that there would be a phone call home. Uh, yeah, because he knew he was in trouble?!?!? I told her that he was working towards a pair of Heely's, and it all depended on his school behavior. He knew that a phone call home was a HUGE nono, and that he had pretty much lost the Heely's. Yeah, he was mad and went and pouted at his desk. I would have, too! But he didn't yell or scream or hit or kick. He crossed his arms, said grrr, and walked over to his seat and sat and pouted. Ummm, I thought that would be kinda normal for a 6 year old.
Now, I do understand that he has some issues that need to be worked on, and we are working on them. He's gotten better at his schoolwork to the point where he's completing it all at school, instead of bringing it home on top of homework. He's also, since school started, had all 'green' days, with the exception of a few yellow for talking, and then the 'orange' day when she sent the note home last week. He's trying, and I know that it will take more than a couple of weeks for everything to become routine. I also don't want to throw too many improvements at him at once. He's got 2 or 3 things he's working on now, and when he accomplishes one of his goals, then I will give him a new one.
Enter PE teacher. She was great. She said that Ian's biggest problems were talking when he shouldn't be, and not listening too well. So she explained to me that she talked with Ian, and he knew that those were the reasons he got into trouble. The made a deal that Ian would work on one of those issues, like listening better, at a time. She knows that his changes won't happen over night, but as long as Ian is working on it, she is happy with that. Bad habits can take awhile to break, and that's basically what he has to do.
But, still, I am unsure what prompted this meeting, especially first thing Friday morning (I know, I'm a weenie!) when he doesn't have the issues she originally called the meeting for!

Kids should come with an instruction manual!

2007-01-12T18:49:00.000-08:00

*****Caution: Mommy rant ahead!*****

Picked up Ian from school today, and after that, all hell broke loose. Although, I guess I should backtrack so that I don't seem like a total moron or shrew.

Ian has always been a good student. Kindergarten, he did awesome. He was able to test into the first grade math program halfway through the semester, he was (fairly) well behaved, he was polite, he did his homework happily, and just in general, he was a happy kid. Same for this year, up until mid to the end of October.

All of a sudden he went from having green days with smiley faces sent home on his homework list to yellow or orange days with frowny faces, and notes that he wouldn't listen, or he (accidentally, according to him) bonked a kid with his water bottle. He stopped getting all his work done in class and was having to bring it home to finish along with his homework. And, man o' man, was it a fight to get him to do any of it!! I had to stand right next to him in order to get him to do any of his work, instead of sitting him at the island and cleaning the kitchen while he worked and, once in awhile, asked for help. Homework time and chore time became a time for yelling (from both of us) and crying (mainly him) and a whole lot of chasing him back to what he should be doing. He started being meaner to his sister, although not so much anymore, because she dishes out whatever she receives! I was at a loss.

Part (most) of me thought that it was because I had become so stressed out that he wasn't getting enough positives in his day and was reacting accordingly, so over winter break, I made an extra effort to make sure that we did fun things together; reading, drawing, play doh, cooking, even just talking. He was a happier kid, and I was a happier mommy.

Then, it was back to school on the 3rd of January. Short week, only 3 days, but he did awesome, finishing all his school work at school, green smiley faces all week, and minimal arguing about homework! First day this week was yellow, but he admitted that he didn't listen as well as he should have and then he said sorry. An unsolicited apology! And the next two days? Green smiley faces, finished work, and only arguing between him and his sister. I can deal with that a little, I know that it'll happen at times.

Then on Thursday, he actually had to be sent out of the classroom to do his work, and so that he would quit bothering the other kids. Today, he hit orange, with a phone call home from the PE teacher, and a request for a conference from his classroom teacher. He refused to listen, tripped another student, threw a hissy fit when he got into trouble, had to sit out from PE twice, and in general was an angry, uncooperative child all day. What the hell?? We were having good times at home still, we made cookies together last night, with him doing all the fun stuff, he did his homework by himself with NO arguing, we were laughing all week. I don't know what went wrong.

So now I get to look forward to a conference with two of his teachers, and all I can say is, I know he's having problems, but I don't know why. Someone forgot to give me the instruction manual for his model! (At least I still have a sense of humor. That might not be the case next week!)

Has anyone else had problems like this? Did you get them resolved? HOW????

But I don't wanna!!

2007-01-10T18:17:00.000-08:00

I'm bored. Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored. Hubby is still at work, putting in a 12 hour day, and the kids and I have finished dinner. If I were a good housewife, I would have already started the dinner dishes, or I would be doing laundry or vacuuming or something. Ha. I don't wanna! (Picture a 3 year old with her fingers in her ears, and there's your visual of my attitude.) I should be picking up the living room, or bathing the kids, or even reading to them, but, again, I don't wanna! They were evil children today, arguing over EVERYTHING! I kid you not, my 3 year old daughter even got into a fight with her pink stuffed moose. Yes, folks, nowadays, stuffed animals can instigate an argument and then call names. So, I feel the need for a break. What I really want is a big ass bowl of cookie dough ice cream, the kind that is sitting in my freezer mocking me, but I won't give in. Damn, when did I get willpower?? Hope none of you have regressed to the pre-school age!

Resolutions, anyone?

2007-01-06T14:41:00.000-08:00

I had no intention of making any new year's resolutions this year. I know that the likelihood of looking like Jessica Biel in a bikini is not going to happen just because I resolve at the first of the year. Man, but I do wish it would, though!

But, sitting there at my sister in laws house New Year's eve (absolutely horrid, we have since cut her out of our lives, but that is another story!) I accidentally made 3 resolutions, and I think that I will make an effort to stick with these ones:

1. Enjoy being a wife to my husband

2. Enjoy being a mother to my two wonderful kids

and...
3. Enjoy being myself. Really, I'm not such a bad person, so maybe I should try being happy with who I am.

However, if the weight-remover fairies do come by, I am ok with them taking 16 pounds or so!

Happy Holidays

2006-12-25T09:25:00.000-08:00

Merry Merry Christmas to all, and I hope that everyone gets what they want!

Hope the browser issue isn't here today!

2006-12-15T15:44:00.000-08:00

Apparently this format/whatever is only viewable from some browsers, so if you can't see this, well, I guess you can't read this part. Sorry! But if you can, lucky you. I'm just sitting here bored as can be, and thought I'd post something that I encountered (sort of) the other day.

Hubby informed me that if I don't tell him how much money he can spend, I don't get a Christmas present. I felt so weird, telling him how much he has to spend on me; I almost felt greedy! Then, I came up with a figure that I thought was reasonable and not-as-greedy-as-I-could-have-been, and he said he needed more because what he wanted to get me was something like 5x the amount! Now, he could spend that if he wanted, but I didn't spend that much on him, so I feel guilty. I did get him some really nice stuff, but I got it all on sale, or earlier in the season, so it didn't add up to as much. Now, I really don't want to tell him not to spend that much, because I do like jewelry, but at the same time, I really don't need it, and we could probably use the money for other stuff, like taking his parents out to the Teppanyaki restaurant while they are here from North Carolina. What would you do?

Guess what I did last night?!?

2006-12-02T10:19:00.000-08:00

I....wrapped Christmas presents! Yes, folks, not only have I finished shopping for Hubby, I am almost finished shopping for Lexi, have a little more to do for Ian, and am done with my nephews gift, but I have managed to wrap all that is hiding in my closet! There is a reason for my gift wrapping madness. Last year, hubby left me to wrap (on Christmas eve) ALL of the gifts, for everyone. And there were about 150 gifts in total. I was up almost all night wrapping stupid gifts. Not this year, though!! Woohoo! I'm ahead of the game!

Wow.

2006-11-28T18:54:00.000-08:00

Another X-mas Light Show | Send To Friends | Funny Stuff at JibJab

All the holiday hoo haha...

2006-11-22T18:58:00.000-08:00

Ever notice that, around the holidays, your family goes a little (read: lot) nuts? Maybe it's just mine, but I look at the upcoming holidays with a cringing feeling of happiness. I'm incredibly happy to see all of the family that can make the appearance, and I love catching up with them and seeing how kids have grown. The problem? For some reason, getting families together seems to equal drama on an unprecedented scale. At least, for our families, that is.

I can look forward to my sister and myself butting heads big time over who knows what, (we just always seem to; it usually only lasts a day, but it can still be pretty ugly) my brother managing to absolutely drive anyone with in earshot absolutely nuts, and my mother freaking out, drunkenly proclaiming that it is all her fault, if only she were a better mother...

And then there's hubby's family. They are even worse! We have family fights that can escalate to a physical beat down, depending on which family members join which side, affairs that rear their ugly heads (apparently this year is Thanksgivings turn!) and the blame game on a HUGE scale! That's not including any drunken ramblings/speeches/unwanted come-ons.

Is it any wonder that at times we would prefer to just go down to the local Chinese buffet and have a quiet meal? Yes, I know I sound like Scrooge, but really, you should see all the drama. Tends to over shadow the true reason for the holidays and why family comes together.

6 months to live...

2006-11-16T19:15:00.000-08:00

...without your spouse/significant other. Can you handle it? I'm facing that question now. Well, potentially, at least.

Went to lunch today with hubby, and he gave me this pamphlet and said, "we should seriously think about this." It ended up being a pamphlet about the FAA's AF-CTI program. (Airway Facilities - Collegiate Training Initiative) Essentially, since the community college he attends is an FAA partner school, he can apply to be temporarily hired by the FAA and paid to attend their training school in Oklahoma City (OKC), then once finished there, he would be qualified to work for Sky Harbor Airport (here in Phoenix) as a federal employee. Good training and all that, but since the school in OKC is only (only!!) 6 months long, it would make zero sense to move myself and the kids out there. It would seriously disrupt Ian's schooling, and would be very expensive, to boot. Granted, we're still at the 'just thinking about it' stage, but I don't want to be apart from my husband for that long. Yes, we managed an 18 month long distance relationship when he was in the Marine Corps., but that was 5 years ago, and no kids. (Well, Ian was there, but he wasn't used to having a guy around full time, plus he was only one at the time) They are already miserable with him in school locally for 3 nights a week; I can't imagine how they would be going for weeks at a time without seeing him, and vice versa. He's pretty attached to them, (and me) too.
At the same time, this could be a really good (financial) opportunity for us, because let me tell you, we only have one income, and it's barely gonna top $40k this year, and that's difficult to manage at times. So, which way to I look to? Thee immediate, with the kids and the separation, or the long term, and their future and our retirement?

(FYI, hubby does have a good job, but he had to start out entry level, and his young age is keeping him out of management positions. Really, he was put up for a management position weeks ago, and the response from the biggies was that, "What? He's be the youngest floor manager in ********* history by at LEAST 10 years." They didn't say anything about his other qualifications.)

Got this from Paste

2006-11-15T17:29:00.000-08:00

Interesting...

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	9.1
Mind:	7.8
Body:	7.8
Spirit:	7.8
Friends/Family:	8.7
Love:	9.1
Finance:	8.6
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Try it, but try not to take it too seriously! I wonder how I would have scored if I were in a bad mood...

I've been tagged!

2006-11-15T16:57:00.000-08:00

At the risk of sounding like a total doofus, I've never been tagged before, and so am hoping that I'm not waaayy off in assuming that this means that I repeat the questions with my answers on my blog. I know, I know, I am such a novice blogger! But this made my otherwise rotten day interesting, so, I will participate. (Plus I think Leslie and Noel's life in their Institution is incredible!)

So, here goes...

1. If you were a muppet, and had to pick ANOTHER muppet to be your best friend, who would you pick? I'd either be Animal or Gonzo and my best buddy would be whichever I wasn't. That could be an interesting friendship, and some wacky Friday nights!

2. Would you rather live on Sesame Street, with the Muppets on the Muppet Show, or down at Fraggle Rock? Can I live on Sesame Street, with my second and third homes being the other two? I'd have to pick Sesame Street because I'm obsessed with Slimey the worm.

3.If you were forced to date a Walt Disney character (human or animal), who would it be? Should I be cliche and say Prince Charming? Nah, rather boring. Let's go with...Simba (the grown up version) from Lion King!

4. If you could only eat one vegetable ever again, what would it be?Are tomatoes considered a fruit or a veggie? Tomatoes, if they are in fact a veggie, and broccoli if they aren't.

5. Do you have any recurring dreams? Yeah, where I live in NYC with my 5 brothers...Not sure where this came from!

6. If you could have a superpower, what would it be? Is mind-reading a super power? Because that would be rather handy in a marriage!

7. Did you rename your Cabbage Patch Kids, or keep them with the name Xaiver Roberts gave them? What were they called? I believe that I renamed her every time my sister and I played house. It was almost live a soap opera, we could never have the same episode twice! I'm not sure what all the names were, but I know Mercedes was one, and Rebecca was another.

8. First Concert you ever went to? Don't laugh, I was young...New Kids on The Block. Ok, I changed my mind, you can laugh. That's pretty pathetic!

9. Does it bother you that Sebastian Bach from Skid Row was acting in Gilmore Girls? I avoid the Gilmore Girls at every chance, so I didn't know until reading this that he was even on the show. (What a stupid show, too, by the way)

10. What are the Best 3 Simpsons episodes? It is impossible to pick only three, but off the top of my head: The one where Lisa plays hockey better than Bart; the one where Homer gets food poisoning from a sandwich and Marge's sisters take the kids to Duff Gardens; and I think the one where Homer is getting death threats. Or all of them, I love the Simpsons!

12. Who do you tag? I'm not tagging anyone in specific, but feel free to tag yourself! (FYI, I'm not even sure who reads this to tag, so take pity on me and give me a freebie on this one!)

Leslie, thank you, this was interesting, and I hope this is what I was supposed to do!

Grrr...

2006-11-14T12:45:00.000-08:00

What a day. This lovely morning started with hubby waking me up, asking for my help. Hmmm, wonder what on Earth he needs help for at 6:45 Tuesday morning. Walk out into hallway and see the answer immediately. One of our wonderful doggies had a 'little' accident ALL over the walk-area by the kitchen leading into the front room. And it needed cleaning up. He did help to wipe up some of the runny brown mess, but it was me on hands and knees scrubbing the foul-smelling stains at 10 til 7. I had to take Ian to school and Tuesday is my day to volunteer in the classroom, so I made sure that the areas were nice and moist so that no stain could set, and decided to pick up a carpet cleaner once I was finished at the school. Picked up my three year old from my mother's before getting the carpet machine, and ended up taking my 18 month old nephew so that my mom could rest. (she's feeling a little yucky, and I am a wonderful daughter!) We get the cleaning machine picked up, I get both kids fed and down for naps and start in on the carpets. Now, mind you, I've used this type of machine multiple times before, and never had a problem. That wasn't to be the case this time. About halfway through, the water hose (that is under pressure) pops off of the power wand and begins spraying water like an unmanned fire hose. I dive to get the machine shut off, and then survey the mess; most is on me, and some puddles on the carpet and tile. I figure that it wasn't attached securely, so re-secure it (good) and proceed to clean up the mess and start again. 5 minutes later, it happens again, only it takes me longer to get to the machine and shut it off, so a MUCH larger mess, and a much more unhappy me. So, once the kids wake up and I pick up Ian from school, we will be returning the machine BACK to the store, and I had better get a new one AND the chemicals replaced, because I used the last of them in the tank that I have to dump out in order to return the machine. In the mean time, I'm off to find me some chocolate!

Pics from our area

2006-11-10T12:43:00.000-08:00

These are all houses that are on our street, I pulled them from the real estate archives. It'll be awhile before I post pics of our house and the back, but, for Paste, this is what our area of Gilbert looks like.

2 Weeks In

2006-11-10T08:12:00.000-08:00

Today marks 2 weeks that we have been in our new house, and it's been interesting. First, I love this house! It's not too big, so I haven't totally lost control (at least for long) and I have even managed to do some regular cleaning, like bathrooms. Our furniture fits like it was bought for this house, which amazes me. Even our desk, which is HUGE, fits like it was custom made for the den/back room area. I think I'll have to take it as a sign that we were meant to have this house! The neighbors have been great too, all except for... The blonde down the street that wants my husband. It's painfully obvious, and the sad fact is that she's married. But the more beer that goes in, the more obvious it is. And hubby and I have talked about it (my jealousy) and the fact that it's not totally related to him. Yes, if I see her trying to hang on him one more time, I will not be responsible for my actions or her medical bills, but the biggest thing is, it really makes me mad that someone could act like that, to her husband and to me. How disrespectful. But that has been the only real negative point; the rest is just learning a new house, like the fact that the hot and cold water pipes are backwards to the bathtub in the master. That one took me awhile! But I have to go back to unpacking, I want to try to finish as much as I can while the kids are home from school today. (Ha ha, little joke there!)

We've moved!

2006-10-28T20:12:00.000-07:00

We're in the new house! I love it! But man, I'm exhausted. I'll have to post more later, but the heavy lifting is done!

Wait, did I say 2 weeks???

2006-10-18T18:16:00.000-07:00

I forgot, the U Haul will be here next Thursday. That would be 7 days from now, and let me tell you, I am soooo not packed!
OMG! OMG! OMG! *turns on the coffee pot* It's gonna be a long coupla nights!

T-minus 2 weeks, and counting!

2006-10-15T16:52:00.000-07:00

Friday, October 27th is the big day! (I hope!) We should be moving into our new house at that point, if we can get around the one and only kink in this deal! Not a kink on my end, the seller screwed up and didn't record his deed of trust to the house when he bought it last year, and so title is showing up in someone else's name. But I'm looking at this with a positive spin. We have our house rented out starting November 1, to a real nice lady with 3 kids, and she should love the neighborhood, with all the kids that are in it! I'm just thrilled that we aren't going to go for any time carrying two mortgages with no renters! These last 3 days have been devoted to packing and making all of the necessary small repairs before we vacate the area, and I have to pat myself on the back. I've done a pretty damn good job! Everything non-essential for the next 2-3 weeks is packed up and ready to go. We also have permission to start bringing boxes into the new house starting the week of the 23, since docs should be ready at that point. (again, barring any setbacks from said kink) I will just be glad to be moved and done, and I am so ready for it!

I'm. So. Tired.

2006-10-03T19:06:00.000-07:00

Since Saturday, I have laid tile, grouted tile, painted bedrooms and halls, scraped popcorn ceilings, and various little other tasks. Tomorrow, I'm going to learn how to remove all the shingles off of the roof. I may be more tired tomorrow night!

Alcohol + Stupidity = One Pissed Off Me

2006-09-16T00:15:00.000-07:00

Had another double header tonight, and it was great. Won the first game, lost the second but had a blast. Then we got home and my husbands cousin decided to be stupid. He's 18. I can't control when he drinks (I've tried) but I can control where he goes after he drinks. He decided that he wasn't too drunk to drive to the store, or at least that's what I picked up on with all the slurring. He was toasted. So hubby and I and our neighbor said, nope, not happening. In fact, while he was busy yelling at hubby, I went around behind him to get the keys he was hiding behind his back. Yeah, and he wonders why we were "treating him like a kid". He will NOT be allowed at my house again if he decides he needs to drink. And if I ever happen to KNOW that he has been drinking, and he drives, I'll call the cops. I won't allow him to cause an accident and possibly kill an innocent bystander. I also would really rather not have to visit him in the hospital or the funeral home. But this is part of being a grown up, dude. Realizing that enough is enough, and handling it like an adult. Grrr....This is why I rarely drink. I don't have the patience for the stupidity that goes with it.

Get this...

2006-09-13T21:18:00.000-07:00

I received an email today. Let it be known up front that it was from my sister in law. (remember this when I tell you what my reply was!) In my opinion, it was an incredibly ignorant email, not worth much at all. It started out with several FW:FW:FW: crap-things, and then went on about "how the US Postal Service is a total disgrace for issuing an Islamic/Arabic looking stamp." It then goes on about "Remember such and such attack, and such and such attack, all done by MUSLIMS" and that "we should boycott the stamp, and how could they print a Christmas stamp for Muslims when they don't even believe in Christ?"
Should you like a REAL description of these two stamps, read up on it at My">http://www.snopes.com/politics/religion/eidstamp.asp
My response? 'Many things have been done in the name of religion; Not all Muslims responsible for any of these atrocities. They were all acts carried out by fanatics, and in no way am I ignorant enough to presume otherwise. I refuse to lower myself to the levels of said fanatics by discriminating against an entire people for the actions of a few. I also refuse to allow my children to grow up hearing this kind of hatred spewed from the mouths of their parents. I fully believe that they should make their decision of a person based on WHO that person is, not WHAT that person is.' And so on and so on. Basically, I called her ignorant and a nutcase. (I can't seem to find my actual email response, and since I was irritated when I typed it up, I don't know exactly what I wrote in it. But you get the picture)

Think we'll be invited out there any time soon?!? Me either! =)

Tenants...

2006-09-12T18:22:00.000-07:00

I spent almost my entire day cleaning up after a group of people who have zero respect for other people or their belongings, and I'm irritated by it. My aunt and my grandfather all have rental properties out here, and they live in the Midwest and the East Coast, respectively. Therefore, my parents and I help out with their properties. When the lease came up on my aunts house, the tenants decided not to renew, as the utilities were too expensive for them. Ok, I get that. We live in Arizona, and A/C, while necessary, is expensive. Well, theirs was expensive because they broke the back slider door, and instead of telling us, they just cranked the air down. Apparently, they didn't tell us because then we would have seen the interior of the house, and all hell would have broke loose. There were dog turds everywhere, so old that they were turning white, the carpet was completely saturated with urine, hopefully just from the dogs, windows were broken, the pool was black, and I mean BLACK, there was rotting food strewn from room to room, trash piled 3 feet high in places, a broken wheelchair (none of the tenants are disabled) holes in the wall from pool table balls, 14 different colors of paint on various walls, weeds 2 1/2 feet tall where there should have been rocks, ugh, I can continue if you'd like...

I spent the entire day hauling this trash to the dump. 2250 pounds of it, and there is still more to go. The sad part? These tenants are friends of my cousin. My aunt did them a favor by letting them rent, since as a group of college guys, they were short in the credit department. What a way to repay a favor. But then again, in all but one of the rental properties, this has been the case, some not as bad, one worse. Why on Earth is it ok to trash someone else's belonging this way? I don't get it...

September 11, 2006

2006-09-11T00:00:00.000-07:00

There are no words. There is only remembering. Remembering, and prayers for the families.

WTF?!?

2006-09-07T09:51:00.000-07:00

So, I'm reading up on all the days new on the computer, like I do every morning, and I come across the story about Paris Hilton and her DUI. Me being me, I just had to read it. I'm not a Paris fan, but hey, gossip is gossip, folks! As I'm reading the details of her arrest, they mention that she blew a .08. Then they list her height and weight. She is 5'9" and 110 freakin' pounds!! Surely that is not healthy. They go on to say that she had been up for 24 hours and had yet to eat anything. Uh, really, that can't be healthy! No wonder most girls have such messed up body images. I need and want to lose weight, but never would I want to be that skinny! However, I can't say that I would have thought this way if I were still 16 and in high school. Thank goodness for maturity!

I'm taking you into my confidence...

2006-09-05T11:01:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to lose weight. I hate telling all the people around me, because they tend to either be too helpful, or fairly dismissive about it. I don't need to have an unnamed family member laugh at my workout choices, nor do I need a family member to again mention what a good thing me losing weight is, because they could pinch the fat around my waist. Yes, you have to love my family. So I have decided that, while my husband is in school all week, and my Fridays are now consumed with softball (my first game is Friday night, and it's a double header!) I should be able to focus on myself without interruption, assistance or criticism. I do have to say that while I am not horribly overweight, I'm also not horribly happy. I used to be athletic and active, and now, my muscle tone is deteriorating and I lay around the house waayy too often. I almost feel like I could be having a midlife crisis, at least involving my body image. Call me vain, but I used to be able to walk down the street, or through the malls and get compliments or whistles, or at least turn a head or two. Now, not so much. I've likened myself at times to a Stay At Home Blob. Blah. So, we'll see what the next month holds for me. Hopefully a little bit of weight loss and some toning!

It's just a joke!

2006-09-02T21:52:00.000-07:00

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?" "Yes it is," the man replies. "You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks. "No thanks," the man replies. "I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues. "OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in. "Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies. "TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position. The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy. "It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off. "Yes it is," replies the man. "Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks. "OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. "Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed. The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch." "I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy. "How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy. "Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says. "SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness", the father explains as he hauls the child away. At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?" "Don't you start that in here," the priest says.

Home for the holidays

2006-09-01T11:25:00.000-07:00

My wonderful husband has managed to get a four day weekend for this Labor Day weekend; I'm so thrilled! His boss forced him to take today off, since he has not had vacation yet this year, and is in fact working 50+ hours each week on top of being back in school. Which means, family wise for us, we don't see him from Monday night through Friday night. The kids (and myself) are really missing him, so this forced four days of togetherness will be good for us all. As long as we don't kill each other, that is.

Plus, this weekend, I believe that my dad is coming out here for a day or two. He's in Cali for my cousins wedding, and thought he might stop by on the way back to Iowa. This will be another added bonus, as he plays in a softball league, and I just joined a softball league. What was I thinking?!? Years ago, I played softball, and was actually damn good at it. Our team took the championship that year, I almost got my nose broken at shortstop, but still managed to make the play and then come up to bat later that inning. I loved softball, but then we moved to Arizona and everything was so different. So, remembering all the fun I used to have, I joined, along with my neighbor. Again, what was I thinking?!? I am not so athletic anymore. I've gotten lazy in my stay at home mom job. So, with my dad out here, I can get even more assistance getting back into the 'swing' of things. (pun intended) On the good side, at least I can still catch and throw really well. I just need some batting practice.

Grrr....

2006-08-21T21:25:00.000-07:00

I'm tired, I have PMS, my husband is irritating the hell outta me, the kids are driving me crazy, hell, even the dogs are driving me crazy! Never has my urge to just start smoking again been this huge, but I'm handling. I won't smoke again, damn it! But man, is the battle difficult...

I feel stupid.

2006-08-10T17:03:00.000-07:00

Here I am, trying to write my resume so that I can rejoin the hordes that trudge off to work once the little kiddies return to school and imagine my horror as I realize, I don't know what the hell I used to do!! I have been out of the work force long enough that I can't remember what I used to do in the office!! How pathetic is that? I even called my sister and asked her what she does all day, assuming that it would remind me of my prior office duties. (turns out I was right, but still, how pathetic!)

I'm wondering....

2006-08-04T20:39:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I was lazy. For dinner, I let my kids eat what they asked for. Choclate Pirates of the Caribbean cereal with marshmallows, and green olives. Ew. But they ate, they ate a decent amount, (amazing for my 3 year old) and then they went and laid down for a movie without arguing. So I guess they'll survive. But, what's the weirdest thing you've ever fed your family? Am I the only one?!?

Why we love kids

2006-08-04T14:39:00.000-07:00

7 reasons not to mess with children.

1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

2 . A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,"Thou shall not kill."

4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

5. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

6. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said."Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted,"Cause your feet ain't empty."

7. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching. "Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

The things you hear at WalMart

2006-08-02T12:47:00.000-07:00

I was buying a large bag of Purina for my dog at Wal-Mart, waiting in the check-out line. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. But, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry, as the food is nutritionally complete. So, I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, especially a tall heavy man behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no; I'd been sitting in the middle of the street licking my balls and a car hit me. The tall guy nearly had to stagger out of the store, oxygen-depleted from laughter. I paid for the food and left a lot of smiles behind me.

Finally

2006-07-27T21:35:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile, but I have good reason. The majority of my friends live out of state now, which has led me to be a very lonely Karen. Yeah, I've made friendly overtures at people, but I like to think that I have high standards when it comes to introducing people to my family, so not many have lasted. Well, FINALLY, I have a friend here in Arizona that lives CLOSE to me!! Yeah, I sound like a dork. Oh well. We have new neighbors, and not only are they our age and share the same interests as us, but they have a five year old daughter, so they know what it's like! If our kids are crabby, they know how to either deal or ignore. They understand just how important that game of Chutes and Ladders is, and that our attention REALLY is required right away when someone wins the game. So now, the guys are going golfing on Saturday, and then later Jennie and I are leaving the kids with the guys and going shopping....Holy crap! This is so cool! Haven't had a friend like that since Alicia moved away...Miss her. Tobo, you'd get along with Jennie GREAT, I think. Can't wait to introduce you!

Oops!

2006-07-20T14:15:00.000-07:00

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "There's a car being towed from the parking lot" he shouted. A few moments passed, "An ambulance just drove by" A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company" he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike." A few moments later, "Looks like the Sanders are moving." "Jason is on his skate board." A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex!" Startled, Mom and Dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having sex?" "Because Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too."

Marriage Practical Jokes

2006-07-20T11:35:00.000-07:00

Some practical jokes

Smaller or larger tuxedo

A friend got married and I, being the best man, decided a humorous practical joke was in order. One of the duties of the best man is to make arrangements for the pick up and return of the groom's tuxedo. After final fitting, rent an extra coat jacket that is either three or four sizes smaller or larger than the groom's. Explain to the tux shop what you're up to. Pick up the groom's fitted coat, switch with the extra rented coat, and deliver to the groom only when it becomes time to actually get dressed. The friend of mine wore a 42 long, but the one I provided was a 38 short. Talk about some serious fun! Don't reveal that you know anything as long as possible.

Write on the bottom of shoes

Someone once took a large black ink marker and wrote "Help" on the bottom of the groom's left shoe and "Me" on the bottom of the right shoe. So when he knelt down for his vows, the entire congregation saw it. Of course, this will only work if he must kneel with back to congregation (i.e. Catholic wedding). Make sure you get it so that it is readable with the shoes side by side, left to right, toes toward the floor. Do this far enough in advance so that the paint is dry before the groom wears the shoes to avoid damaging carpets. Besides "Help Me", other possible message to write on the soles are (with varying degrees of cruelness): Left Shoe (I'm With) Right Shoe (Stupid [pointing arrowhead]); Left Shoe (Quick, Call 911!) Right Shoe (Never Mind, I'm Doomed!)

Cheap plastic rings

A groom buys the engagement ring at a jewelry store. As the groom enters the room, we "have been talking about" the news that says the jewelry store he just went to is being investigated for selling plastic diamonds to unknowledgeable customers. This didn't work too well but maybe if you have better actors in your group it would.

I'll just call my lawyer about this

Another on that I have seen pulled is to have someone speak out at the time the minister asks, "If anyone has good reason why these two should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace."They had a pregnant lady stand up and say, "Oh, never mind! I'll just call my lawyer!" It rattled the groom's mother so much that she fainted.

A secret pregnant lover

At the rehearsal dinner for my boss' daughter and son-in-law-to-be, a loud eight-months pregnant teenage girl suddenly appeared at the back of the room screaming ten minutes worth of curses that would befall the groom if he didn't marry the pregnant girl like he promised. It was set up by the boss' wife, and I am told that the groom very nearly burst into tears protesting his innocence.

One way ticket across the country

A groom's friends decided to throw his bachelor party the day before the wedding, and as often happens on these occasions, by the end of the evening, everyone was completely drunk, and none more so than the guest of honor, who promptly passed out in a corner of the room. When he woke up, he found himself sitting in an airline seat with no wallet or money or anything on him except a one way ticket to San Francisco. He was worried sick until he finally arrived at San Francisco from New Jersey, where he found a ticket at the courtesy counter back to New Jersey. It seems that one of his prospective in-laws worked for an airline and had some comp airfare to use. The groom got back to New Jersey barely four hours before the ceremony, and was barely able to stay awake long enough to say "I do".

Return your keys

Before a friend's wedding reception, we passed out keys (blanks) to several girls and one guy. Before some toasts were made, the best man said to the guests, "Now that Jim is married and is no longer available, it is probably a good idea to have any of you girls out there with a key to his apartment to please turn it in now." Then the pre-selected girls (about thirty of them) slowly walked up and handed in their keys as they made bedroom-eyes at him and flirted a bit; some of the girls would turn in not just one key, but six or seven of them. Then the guy walked up, turned in the key, and kissed the groom on the cheek. It's probably not original, but it worked pretty well.

Variation of return your keys

Another twist to this would be to distribute fifteen blank keys to male friends of the bride-to-be and two more blank keys to a guy and a very old lady. Then, during the reception, while people are making toasts, announce to everyone that since the bride is no longer available, any guy with a key to her apartment should turn it in at the tray that has been set up, whereby the fifteen pre-selected men would walk up and turn in their keys and make the same announcement for the groom, whereby both the old lady and the other guy would both walk up with their key.

Do you already have a child?

During the wedding ceremony, when the minister/preacher/priest comes to the part about, "If anyone has any reason why these two people should not marry, speak up now or forever hold your peace..." have this four-to-six year old boy running up the aisle yelling, "Daddy, daddy." I understand from a friend who played this joke on a relative that it took almost an hour to get the wedding started again.

Balloons

Obtain access to their getaway car. Fill with balloons. A few extra helium balloons in the trunk with their luggage is a nice touch.

Add some peanuts

If you can get access to their luggage after they have packed, add styrofoam peanuts in whatever nooks and crannies are left.

Impossible to drive away

Jack up the car, put blocks under the axle, then lower the car onto the blocks. When the newlyweds try to make their getaway, watch them rev...and rev...and rev.

Brake wired to the horn

The best man at my friends wedding rigged the horn to sound every time the brake was pressed, they drove half way down the road until they realized what was going on and had to return to fix it.

I deserve to be married

For a small fee, you can get an agency to have a pregnant "ex-girlfriend" appear at the service, in a wedding gown, claiming the groom-to-be the father of her child and demanding *she* should be the one to be married. The one I saw even had a bunch of dead flowers with her!

Who has the ring?

When the groom asks the best man for the ring, he turns and nervously says he doesn't have it, who then turns to the next groomsman and asks the same question, and so on until the last person turns and grabs a giant box of Cracker Jacks that contained the wedding ring. The whole church was rolling as the best man and his co-horts had the last laugh. It was truly classic.

Laughing gas in balloons

At a friend's wedding, the bridal party filled their car with balloons--all filled with laughing gas. They put them everywhere, under seats, in the glove box, etc. They popped the balloons, and everyone was relaxed and laughing.

Kids

2006-07-20T11:27:00.000-07:00

A kid's view on marriage

What Exactly Is Marriage?

"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents" -Eric, six years old
"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." -Anita, nine years old

How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?

"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." -Kelly, nine years old
"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -Carolyn, eight years old

Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" -Bert, five years old

How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?

"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values." -Lottie, nine years old
"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind." -Jeremy, eight years old

What Do Most People Do on a Date?

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -Martin, ten years old
"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." -Craig, nine years old

When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -Allan, ten years old
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -Kally, nine years old

The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?

"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan" -Kirsten, ten years old
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them" -Anita, nine years old
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -Will, seven years old

I need humor

2006-07-10T13:08:00.000-07:00

"Insanity is hereditary: You can get it from your children."
Sam Levinson.
"Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off."
Ralph Bus.
"There are few things more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own."
Doug Larson.
"I like children - fried."
WC Fields.
"Everytime a child says, 'I don't believe in fairies', there's a a little fairy somewhere that falls down dead."
JM Barrie.
"The trouble with children is that they're not returnable."
Quentin Crisp.
"I Love children, especially when they cry for then someone takes them away."
Nancy Mitford.
"Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home."
Bill Cosby.
"Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla."
Jim Bishop.

"I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?"
Denis Leary
"Work is the curse of the drinking classes."
Oscar Wilde
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
Groucho Marx
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
Brooke Shields (during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign).
"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."
Humprey Bogart.
"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
Joe E Lewis.
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."
Ernest Hemmingway.
"He was a wise man who invented beer."
Plato.
"I can resist everything except temptation."
Oscar Wilde

Mad

2006-07-10T12:55:00.000-07:00

Mad. Angry. Pissed off. Insulted. Unimportant. Invisible. Worthless. Idiotic. Unfair. Stupid. Liar.

I'm sure that there are other words that I have left out. All these, just add "My foster child makes me feel (like a)..." We have about 3 weeks to go before he moves back in with his mother, and man, the time during the previous 2-3 weeks has dragged. His behavior is at the point where his therapist said to me, "You are a better person than me for putting up with this .I would have put it into CPS' hands long ago." He has decided (and told me) that since he is going back with his mother, nothing that I say really matters. He thinks that I'm an idiot and he hates my kids, so why should he listen. Oh, and of course, it's all my fault, because I lied to the therapist about how his treatment towards me and my kids really is.

WHAT????? All this from an 11 year old child, a child that I have been practically killing my self over, trying to get him to start on the right path, the one that will make it possible for him and his mom to live together again. I have beat myself up over all this, over my feelings towards this child. I shouldn't dislike a kid, especially one from the situation he had been in, but man, hard not to do when he acknowledges what he should do, and then says "but I don't want to." We are now at the point that he is moving back with her whether his behavior/attitude is appropriate or not, and if it does not work, then he will have to go into foster care, or to California to live with other family. I will not open my house up again to the treatment I have received since March 3rd.

I feel like growling.

In keeping with the previous post.

2006-07-09T20:47:00.000-07:00

IN LAW JOKES!

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing; and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" " My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me." The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually. "Needs ironing," he said.

Mother Knows Best: At a senior citizen's meeting, a couple were celebrating their 50th Anniversary. The husband stood up and was telling story of his dating habits in his youth. It seemed that every time he brought home a girl to meet his mother, his mother didn't like her. So, finally, he started searching until he found a girl who not only looked like his mother and acted like his mother, she even sounded like his mother. So he brought her home one night to have dinner, and his father didn't like her.

Two lifeguards are working together on a beach when one of them notices sharks circling a woman who has drifted out a little too far. He begins to get up to race to her rescue when the other lifeguard grabs his arm and holds him back.The first lifeguard says,"Why are you holding me back? We have to go save that woman!"To which the other replies, "Don't worry. That woman is my mother-in-law.""Are you trying to kill her?""Although the idea may be tempting, that is not my intent. Just watch."With that, the sharks organize themselves beneath the woman, and ride her on their backs all the way to shore, safely depositing her."What in the world gave you the notion that would happen," asked the first lifeguard."Professional courtesy."

My MIL said to me, "I'll dance on your grave." I said, "I hope you do. I'm being buried at sea."

Sometimes you cannot tell if a man is trying so hard to be a success to please his wife or to spite his mother-in-law.

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a very mean looking dog on a leash. Behind that were 200 women walking single file.The woman couldn't stand her curiosity.She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral procession like this. Whose funeral is it?" The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband." "What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. "Can I borrow the dog?""Get in line."

Two guys were talking at work. "I've got a problem," said the first one."What is it?""My wife has done it to me again. I'm supposed to buy my mother-in-law a present for her birthday, from the two of us. And, I am fresh out of ideas. I mean, it's HER mother, why can't she buy it?""What did you buy her last year?" the other one asked."Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot.""Hmmmm, hard to top that one," said the other.The two guys couldn't come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn't buy his mother-in-law anything for her birthday.When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, "Thank you all for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren't so thoughtful!"Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year!"

In-Laws

2006-07-09T20:38:00.000-07:00

So, I have this problem with in-laws. Not my in-laws. My very own parents. So, technically, my husband's in-laws. They do NOT get along. And I mean, in the zero respect, telling each other that the other doesn't listen, and needs to get down off the pedestal type of not getting along. And this was all actually said in the middle of a decent conversation. And it tears me up. I know that my mother can be a royal pain in the ass. But she is my mother, and happens to be the only one I have. (I have 3 fathers, though!) And my husband can be difficult to get along with. But I love him, with all my heart. I chose him, and I have to believe that I chose well. But, the two of them. If I want them to get along, I have to get them both drunk. Sometimes, this sucks. I hate to be cliche, or what ever you want to call it, but can't we all just get along?!?

And the battle begins...

2006-07-06T14:53:00.000-07:00

The Battle of the Binkies. Makes me shudder. And yet, here I am, waist deep in combat with...my three year old. And at times, I'm fairly sure that she has the upper hand. Because, when she REALLY gets going on one of her binky-withdrawal fueled rages, I get desperate to make her stop. And in the past, I have caved. But today, I stood my ground. I took all the binky's and I hid them. No, I didn't throw them (which I should have) because the thought of dealing with these rages all through the night gives me the cold sweats. I don't have a problem if she sleeps with them. As soon as she falls asleep, I put them on her dresser. But I hate that she walks around ALL day with the damn things in her mouth. So, like I said, I hid them. And the tantrum that ensued was horrific. She screamed non-stop for over an hour. Not just for the binkys, but about her toe hurting, and that the song on the radio wasn't her favorite, and that the boys looked at her, and so on and so on. This continued to my nephews house, where I had to drop off the router, clear out to Grandma's house, where I headed when I realized I needed reinforcements. And, I won. (sort of) She finally stopped screaming and went back to her usual sunny personality, clear until nap time, when she started again in the car on the way home. And I was able to squish it with the simple comment that if she continued to scream, she wouldn't have her binky for nap time. Hey, I'll take what quiet I can get!

What a weekend!

2006-07-04T22:25:00.000-07:00

Thanks to the Fourth of July holiday today, my husband had a four day weekend. My parents went out of town, so we took care of their pool, making sure the chlorine was right, and Hayward the pool cleaner thingy didn't get clogged,(he did) watering their plants and feeding the birds and fish. Steve's cousin just moved out here from Jersey, so we spent half the weekend visiting with him and his dad. We ended up having them over to my parents, since we don't have a pool, and it's too damn hot here. It was an absolute blast. I'm exhausted from three days straight in the pool, and my kids are walking zombies. I seriously think that Ian was asleep before his head hit the pillows. We didn't go see any of the fireworks; I have to say that it has become way too commercialized: $10 to get in, $4 for a water bottle, banners advertising any and everything. Plus, being out in the heat surrounded by 100,000 other people with pissed off, screaming kids yelling for the fireworks to start NOW isn't my idea of a holiday. Instead, I enjoyed my freedom to do absolutely nothing productive in the usual sense. Instead, we spent time with our kids and family. Best way to spend a holiday, in my book!

Oh, so THAT'S what I was thinking!

2006-07-01T20:51:00.000-07:00

Continuing from my previous blog, Ian's biological father contacted me. Sent me a message, saying that he heard I was looking for him. He then proceeded to give me cell #'s and various emails, saying that he would LOVE to hear from me. What??? Since when? Well, whatever. I happen to be a very curious person, so I called him. Now I know why I was doing this searching crap, out of the blue. After speaking with him, I have zero anger left over him leaving me pregnant and leaving Ian without knowing him. Best God damn thing he could have ever done. Thank you for saving me from you. I don't think that he ever matured past 16. He was telling me all about how he spent 6 mos. in jail out here, and the car chase that preceded his jail time; and he actually seemed to think that this was impressive. Yes, running from the cops with a trunk full of drugs that you "didn't know were there," crashing into 3 cars, and then damn near getting tasered is awesome. Whatever. And in the midst of all this, when he finally even mentioned Ian (after I brought him up) he thought that Ian was almost 4. Ian is in first grade. Age 6 and a half. Holy crap, *****! How much drugs have you been doing?! Which leads me to my only confusion in all this... If he didn't want to hear about Ian, why was he so eager to make contact with me?

What was I thinking?!?!?

2006-06-26T14:42:00.000-07:00

See, I have a myspace account as well, and I was bored to death yesterday, so I started searching for people I knew, long ago. =) Well, genius that I am, I decided to look for Ian's dad's side of the family. We aren't together, and in fact haven't seen each other since I was 5 months pregnant with Ian. Ian has never seen his biological father. But that's not why I was looking for his family. Ian has never lacked a father figure. Steve has been there since before Ian was even a year old, and has filled inks need better than I could have imagined possible. Steve is inks true daddy, period. But I did have to tell Ian, that, long ago, when he was in my tummy, he was going to have a different daddy named *****. But that daddy wasn't ready to be a daddy, so he left and we went daddy shopping, and found Steve. (I was explaining this to a barely 5 year old. I thought the explanation was pretty good) Ian accepted that, easier than I thought he would. But every once in a great while, he asks where ***** is. I really haven't been able to answer that. But I found *****'s sister on myspace, and sent her a message. Again, what was I thinking?? I probably should have left well enough alone.

Thoughts for today

2006-06-22T10:52:00.000-07:00

1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to
look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it
is that wrinkles don't hurt.

3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's
dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

6. A penny saved is a government oversight.

7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at
the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the
tempting moment.

8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by
then your body and your fat are really good friends.

9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy
a replacement.

10. He who hesitates is probably right.

11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in
mind to blame.

*I know it's been awhile. Life has taken over for now, but hopefully I'll be getting back into the swing of things!*

A poem...

2006-06-06T17:14:00.000-07:00

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.

He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew.

I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.

Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his MOMMA used to do.

Anyone!!!

2006-06-06T09:42:00.000-07:00

Someone come buy my house!! Ok, so I know that the market has slowed a lot, and I know that houses don't get shown as much when it's 112 degrees outside, and I know to be patient when your house is on the market. I'm a realtor, this is all common sense to me. Is that the case when it's my own house on the market?? HELL NO!!! No showings yet!! So what if this is only the 3rd day on the market, and it's only 9 am. Someone come see my house, fall in love with it, and buy it!! (Full price offer would be even better!)

My doggies...

2006-06-02T12:47:00.000-07:00

Hamlet is the black one (he came named that way) and he is about 100-105 pounds. Bogey (for the golf term, not a booger!) is the yellow one (duh!) and in this pic he was only 9 months old and 78 pounds. He's about 95 pounds now, but hopefully he is done growing! (Hamlet is very tall, almost 30" on all fours.)

Sorry, gentlemen...

2006-06-01T12:19:00.000-07:00

...But this rant is some what generalizing. I have to ask, what is it that makes so many men think that they are technically capable; Mr. Fix-It or whatever you want to call it?! This stems from a 'duh! that my sisters ex did last week. Now, he lives just around the corner from us, and a lot of the days that he has my nephew, he'll bring him over to play. Well, I guess he was bored last time. See, I disconnected the cable. I was tired of the 2 boys being GLUED to the set, watching crap, or complaining that there was nothing to do if the tv was off. So, mean mommy emerged, and called the cable co, and bye bye Nickelodeon. But, I guess he didn't get the idea the the cable was VOLUNTARILY disconnected, because he proceeded to try to hook-up the cable again (illegally) which he couldn't do, because the video feed was shut off. Duh #1. But, he did manage to rip off the coaxial cable connector on our relatively new (< 1 year old) 53" tv. How the hell are we supposed to re-connect the cable when I'm done teaching the lesson if there is no connector!?!? Duh #2. But, the worst was, he didn't even tell us. He left a little bit later (and hasn't called since!) no comment on the connector. How did we know it was him? He is the only one that has been behind that tv since the thing came to live with us. Who else could have done it? Ok, rant over. I don't think I bruised too many egos!

More George...

2006-05-29T09:37:00.000-07:00

George Carlin quotes
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes. . . why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section? " She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him. . . is he still wrong? (yes)
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all? "
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that shit?
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too".
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

In defense of big vehicles...

2006-05-26T13:46:00.000-07:00

So, I got this comment from Jade, a fellow AZ blogger, and I went over to her site to check it out. (She's frickin hilarious and still serious at the same time; don't know how to make the link thingys, but she's at www.AzJade.com, so check her out) She was blogging (funny! I might add) about a mom at her daughters school, who drives a big ass SUV and has 0 respect for anyone else on the road. (Among other things!) And I agree, for the most part. See, I happen to be a SAHM with a big truck. Not an SUV, a truck. A Dodge Ram 1500 Quad cab, which I absolutely love. However, I differ in the respect that mine was bought for a purpose, not just so I could be bigger than everybody else. I use the ever living hell out of it! Today alone, I have hauled 2200 pounds of old fence, old bathroom, etc. to the dump. I also do the hauling for everyone in my family (for gas money only) since I am the only one with a truck. We visit Lowe's almost weekly, since we are the (dumb) do-it-yourselfers, and usually load up the bed. I didn't get 4x4, cause where the hell would I use it, and you probably won't see mud all over it because a) it doesn't rain in AZ, b) not what I got it for, and c) my husband is a freak, and washes both vehicles every weekend! So, I guess I'm excluding myself from Jade's SAHM-big-SUV post (since I do drive very carefully...small vehicle or big, accidents still hurt!!) and I have to agree with her, that those that buy it just because of the trend in big vehicles, no driving skills, suck. Ok, back to cleaning my damn carpets. (again, a dumb do-it-yourselfer!)

Thursday Thirteen

2006-05-25T09:11:00.000-07:00

I decided that this Thursday, I wanted to focus on the future...vacation spots, that is. So, here goes 13 Vacation Destinations.

1. Greece
2. Australia
3. Okinawa
4. Scotland
5. England
6. Egypt
7. China
8. New York City
9. Brazil
10. Hawaii
11. Switzerland
12. Spain
13. Easter Island

Now, I know that these are pretty general in destination, but there is a purpose to that. At no point (well, with the exception of NYC) do I want to go to any of these places to visit one or two sites/cities/etc. I fully intend on spending some serious time, at least a couple weeks each, in my retirement exploring until I cannot explore any more.

And, for Alicia, here's New Mexico...

2006-05-24T17:17:00.000-07:00

You buy salsa by the gallon.

You are still using the paper license tag that came with your car five years ago.

Your favorite restaurant has a chile list instead of a wine list.

You do all your shopping and banking at a drive-up window.

Your Christmas decorations include "a yard of sand and 200 paper bags".

You have license plates on your walls, but not on your car.

Most restaurants you go to begin with "El" or "Los".

You remember when Santa Fe was not like San Francisco.

You hated Texans until the Californians moved in.

The tires on your roof have more tread than the ones on your car.

You price-shop for tortillas.

You have an extra freezer just for green chile.

You think a red light is merely a suggestion.

You believe that using a turn signal is a sign of weakness.

You don't make eye contact with other drivers because you can't tell how well armed they are just by looking.

You think six tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful front lawn.

You have to sign a waiver to buy hot coffee at a drive-up window.

You ran for state legislature so you can speed legally.

You pass on the right because that's the fast-lane.

You have read a book while driving from Albuquerque to Las Vegas.

You know they don't skate at the Ice House and the Newsstand doesn't sell newspapers.

You think Sadies was better when it was in the bowling alley.

You have used aluminum foil and duct tape to repair your air conditioner.

You can't control your car on wet pavement.

There is a piece of a UFO displayed in your home.

You know that The Jesus Tortilla is not a band.

You wish you had invested in the orange barrel business.

You just got your fifth DWI and got elected to the state legislature in the same week.

Your swamp cooler got knocked off your roof by a dust devil.

You have been on TV more than three times telling about how your neighbor was shot or about your alien abduction.

You can actually hear the Taos hum.

All your out-of-state friends and relatives visit in October.

You know Vegas is a town in the northeastern part of the state.

You are afraid to drive through Mora and Espanola.

You iron your jeans to "dress up".

You don't see anything wrong with drive-up window liquor sales.

Your other vehicle is also a pick-up truck.

Two of your cousins are in Santa Fe, one in the legislature and the other in the state pen.

You know the punch line to at least one Espanola joke.

Your car is missing a fender or bumper.

You have driven to an Indian Casino at 3am because you were hungry.

You think the Lobos fight song is "Louie, Louie"

You know whether you want "red or green."

You're relieved when the pavement ends because the dirt road has fewer pot-holes.

You can correctly pronounce Tesuque, Cerrillos, and Pojoaque.

You have been told by at least one out-of-state vendor that they are going to charge you extra for "international" shipping.

You expect to pay more if your house is made of mud.

You can order your Big Mac with green chile.

You see nothing odd when, in the conversations of the people in line around you at the grocery store, every other word of each sentence alternates between Spanish and English.

You associate bridges with mud, not water.

You know you will run into at least 3 cousins whenever you shop at Wal-Mart, Sam's or Home Depot.

Tumbleweeds and various cacti in your yard are not weeds. They are your lawn.

If you travel anywhere, no matter if just to run to the gas station, you must bring along a bottle of water and some moisturizer.

Trailers are not referred to as trailers. They are houses. Double-wide trailers are "real" houses.

A package of white flour tortillas is the exact same thing as a loaf of bread. You don't need to write it on your shopping list; it's a given.

At any gathering, regardless of size, green chile stew, tortillas, and huge mounds of shredded cheese are mandatory.

Prosperity can be readily determined by the number of horses you own.

A tarantula on your porch is ordinary. A scorpion in your tub is ordinary. A poisonous centipede on your ceiling? Ordinary. A black widow crawling across your bed is terribly, terribly common. A rattlesnake is an occasional hiking hazard. No need to freak out.

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from New Mexico.

You know you're from Iowa....

2006-05-24T17:06:00.000-07:00

Had to post this, as I am originally from Iowa. Now, I moved from there when I was 13, so I don't get all of them, but, sadly, I do get most of them.

Vacation means driving through the Amanas or going to Adventureland

Down South to you means Missouri

You have no problem spelling or pronouncing "Des Moines"

You know the answer to the question, :"Is this Heaven?"

You know where all the Yoders live (or Andersons, or Van den Bergs)

You know what "hawks" and "clones" are

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit or vegetable

You can locate Iowa on the map

You've ever been on a "Geode Hunt"

Your idea of a really great tenderloin is when the meat is twice as big as the bun and is accompanied only by ketchup and a dill pickle slice

You say "catty-wampus" instead of "kitty-corner"

You've never taken public transportation

You have boiled fish in lye for Christmas

You know what "uff-da" means and how to use it properly

You know what "Amish Country" is

The only reason you go to Wisconsin or Missouri is to get fireworks

You know exactly where "Field of Dreams" was filmed

When someone says they are going out for dinner or supper, you know which meal they are talking about

You listen to "Paul Harvey" every day at noon.

You think of the major food groups as deer meat, beer, corn, and soy nuts.

You're pulled over and asked by the cop, "Had a little to much to drink, (your first name here)?

You own the complete "Dukes of Hazzard" video collection.

"Hick" is a style of clothing.

You can use the words, 'crik', 'holler', and 'skunk weed' in the same sentence.

Your Christmas gift, when you were ten years old was a shotgun (a BB gun if you were a 'townie').

You know someone personally who is involved in meth trade or manufacture.

Your idea of a party is throwing cans of WD40 in a campfire while you're drunk.

You've been to a rave in a barn.

You've had sex in the back of a truck ... amid cows.

You know that cows don't sleep standing up.

You're concerned about the rates of corn growth in Illinois as compared to that of Iowa's.

You listen to Ag Day at 6AM ... two hours after you get up in the morning.

You believe that trees in Iowa lean towards Nebraska ... because Nebraska sucks!

You know several people who still refer to Japanese cars as "rice-burners."

"Styx" plays a concert at the county fair, and people actually show up.

You don't get nervous when you walk into a biker bar (unless you're an Iowa City cop).

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Iowa.

In Arizona...

2006-05-23T21:32:00.000-07:00

*the birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
*the potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
*farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
*the cows are giving evaporated milk.
*the trees are whistling for the dogs.
*you eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
*you learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
*the temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
*you've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
*you would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
*you can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
*The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
*you discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
*hot water now comes out of both taps.
*you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
*you break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.
*no one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.
*your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
*you realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
*a sad Arizonan once prayed, "I wish it would rain - not so much for me, cuz I've seen it -- but for my 7-year-old."
*You can say 115 degrees without fainting.
*You can be in the snow, then drive for an hour and it will be over 100 degrees.
*You notice your car overheating before you drive it.
*You have to go to a fake beach for some fake waves.
*You discover, in July, that it only takes two fingers to drive your car.
*You can make sun tea instantly.
*You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can use your fireplace.
*You can say Hohokam and people don't think you're laughing funny.
*You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
*You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
*You see more irrigation water on the street than there is in the Salt River.
*You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink.
*You realize that Valley Fever isn't a disco dance.
*The reporters, trying to prove a point, actually BURN the egg they're cooking on the sidewalk.
*Hotter water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one.
*You can pronounce the words: "Saguaro", "Tempe", "Gila Bend", "San Xavier", "Canyon de Chelly", "Mogollon Rim", "Cholla", and "Tlaquepaque".
*It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is moving on the streets.
*You give up on the idea of washing your car until October, because the dust storms will just get it dirty again anyway.
*You know what a dust devil is.
*Umbrellas are not for rain. In fact, they aren't waterproof.
*Sunscreen is sold year round, kept at the front of the checkout counter, a formula less the 30spf is a joke, and you wear it just to go to Circle K.
*You know the real name of the Phoenix daily newspapers (Repugnant & Gazoo).
*Some fool can market minimisters for joggers and some other fools will actually buy them.
*Eight Scottish bagpipers from Canada, dressed in full regalia, pass out from heat prostration in February.
*A parade for the Phoenix Suns is held at 12:00 noon in June and 500,000 people turn out in 110 degree weather.
*Hot air balloons can't go up, because the air outside is hotter than the air inside.
*A main form of recreation for teenagers is ice blocking down hills.
*Convertibles are not a status symbol. They are a sign of blind vanity.
*You've signed so many petitions to recall governors that you can't remember the name of the incumbent.
*You can understand the reason for a town named "Why."

Brief history lesson

2006-05-23T09:13:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" "That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn." The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned, her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly, she also headed straight to bed. The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!" "What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out..... "LAIDTHEOLAIDEETOO"

Kids...

2006-05-22T22:58:00.000-07:00

This is priceless!
RETARDED GRANDPARENTS (this was actually reported by a teacher).
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but in it, they all jump up and down with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it.
He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out.
They go cruising in their golf carts.
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds.
Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.
When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.
Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.

Answer with one word....

2006-05-22T18:41:00.000-07:00

1. Yourself: sincere

2. Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend: husband...

3. Your Hair: boring

4. Your Mother: irreplaceable

5. Your Father: which?

6. Your Favorite Item: many!!

7. Your Dream Last Night: firefighter...

8. Your Favorite Drink: Dr. Pepper

9. Your Dream Home: mortgage-free

10. The Room You are In: great room

11. Your Pet(s): dogs

12. Your Fear: bugs

13. Where You Want to be in Ten Years: happy

14. Who You Hung Out With Last Night: family

15. What You're Not: wild

16. Your Best Friend: Alicia

17. One of Your Wish List Items: Dodge SRT 10

18. Your Gender: female

19. The Last Thing You Did: paint

20. What You are Wearing: jammies

21. Your Favorite Weather: thunderstorm

22. Your Favorite Book: most

23. The Last Thing You Ate: Oreo's

24. Your Life: blessed

25. Your Mood: exhausted

26. The Last Person You Talked to on the Phone: Steve

27. What are you thinking about right now: A lot

Mad Cows

2006-05-20T19:32:00.000-07:00

Mornings are the best

2006-05-19T09:45:00.000-07:00

I should be starting my daily "home restoration", but I had to take a few minutes to play with the web cam, and get a picture of me and Lexi...It's too much fun when she realizes that she is on camera!

Better late than never!

2006-05-19T07:55:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I'm about a day behind everything, but I can still post my Thursday thirteen, right? Well, I am anyways!

13 Reasons we ~~need~~ want to move

1. Separate bedrooms for all the kids.

2. Bigger bedrooms for the parents!

3. Closer to Ian's school. (no more 30 mile trek each day)

4. More room

5. More bathrooms

6. Newer house, so no more remodeling!

7. Normal sized garage

8. So my bedroom doesn't have an east/west exposure (sucks in the Arizona summer sun)

9. Dual paned windows

10. possible guest room

11. Smaller back yard, so we can't build a guest house for my mother in law, like she keeps asking!

12. Find a less busy street, so I don't freak out about the kids playing catch out front

13. Because I love house hunting (ok, not really a reason, but I do!)

I like George!

2006-05-18T14:25:00.000-07:00

George Carlin's new rules for 2006:

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop fucking with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ...ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it actually translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: (and this one is long overdue): No more bathroom attendants! After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. Don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. Not "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

A good quote to live by.

2006-05-17T15:43:00.000-07:00

"The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way."

Belated Happy Mother's Day

2006-05-15T11:46:00.000-07:00

To all of you who have children, Happy Mother's day, slightly belated as I enjoyed a blissfully boring day yesterday, and did much of nothing!

Family

2006-05-13T13:38:00.000-07:00

Hee hee hee! Thanks Alicia!

Call me crazy but...

2006-05-05T22:48:00.000-07:00

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what criterion was used to define whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?

The ABC's of me

2006-05-04T16:22:00.000-07:00

Because I am still fairly new at this blogging thing, I occasionally come across something else on another bloggers site, and feel the need to repeat it, with my answers, on my own site. This is one of those instances. Sorry again. I'm not always the most creative of people.

Accent: Midwest meets Southwest. Actually, until recent years, I thought everyone else had accents, and I didn't. Apparently, I was wrong.

Booze: Not big on alcohol, but when I do drink, I go for broke with tequila shots

Chore I Hate: laundry. Not the washing, but the folding. One basket of 2T and 3T clothes is the same amount as 3 baskets of my clothes!

Dog or Cat: Well, I like both, but we do have 2 huge doggies who would love to eat, I mean meet a kitty

Essential Electronics: My cell phone. I'm not sure how we got along without them before!

Favorite Cologne(s): Male? Not sure. Female? Either Victoria's Secret Divine or Bath and Body Works Moonlit Garden body splash

Gold or Silver: White Gold

Hometown: Des Moines IA, although I claim Phoenix, AZ more

Insomnia: All the time. I haven't found the off button for my mind yet.

Job Title: Domestic Engineer, or CEO and CFO of the R*** Family Enterprises

Kids: 3. 2 biological (ages 3 and 6) and a 10 year old foster child that may ~~turn permanent~~ drive me absolutely crazy

Living arrangements: 3 bed 2 bath home (owned) that really needs to be traded for a 4 bed house with more sq footage!

Most admirable trait: My goofiness, and ability to laugh at myself

Number of sexual partners: uhhh.....No Answer. I don't really get caught up in the past

Overnight hospital stays: Couple times. Once as a little kids, twice more recently with the births of my 2 kids. (2000, 2003)

Phobias: Spiders, bugs, insects, creepy crawly things...shudder!

Quote: "If you can't be kind, talk shit w/ your girlfriends or at least have the decency to be vague."

Religion: Undecided at the time being

Siblings: 4...2 half and 2 step

Time I wake up: usually 7:15. 7:30 if I'm lucky and the boys got themselves up and ready for school.

Unusual talent or skill: Uhhh...I haven't killed my kids or husband yet. Does that count?

Vegetable I refuse to eat: Squash. Period.

Worst habit: Interrupting others

X-rays: Yes. Teeth, intestines, wrist. Do ultrasounds count?

Yummy foods I make: Grilled chicken and Monterey Jack quesadillas, Homemade chicken nuggets and hand smashed potatoes, and (kids' favorite) pancakes and eggs and sausage

Zodiac sign: Libra

A Blogging Faux Pas?

2006-05-04T15:57:00.000-07:00

I am sincerely hoping that I have not inadvertently committed a blogger faux pas.... Recently I have found several interesting blogs, and rather than searching for them, or putting them on my provider favorite list, I added them to my blog links. I didn't think to check if that was ok. Hopefully, they are not calling me all kinds of a jerk. If so, in my defense, I haven't learning blog etiquette, if there is such thing. Sorry!

Thursday Thirteen

2006-05-04T09:35:00.000-07:00

Thirteen Things I Need to Accomplish 2006

Finish the master bath remodel
Finish all the house painting projects I started last year
Overcome my budding credit addiction
Pay off main credit cards
Lose a bit of that extra weight
Sort through the kids' toys
Finish shredding all financial docs from the last 5 years
Make more time for just Steve and myself
Buy a new house, with 4 bedrooms this time
Get rid of some of the stuff I have held onto for too long
Update our family photos
Set (and stick with) a budget
Get Steve to stick with budget

Looks like I'm in for a boring remainder of 2006

VINDICATED!!

2006-04-30T16:19:00.000-07:00

Anyone who knows me should (hopefully) know that I am not overly whiny. I also don't (usually) exaggerate my situation. Unfortunately, I don't think that my mother understands this. For 6 years, any time I have complained, whined, or even just, in passing conversation, mentioned that my kids have been difficult, I have received the same response. "I gave birth to 3 children and had 10 more daycare kids on top of that, so you have nothing to complain about." Seriously, this was the standard response to any child oriented remark I made, even when it wasn't aimed at her. So, after adding our foster child, I made sure to keep as many of my comments away from her hearing. Still, I heard, occasionally, when I would mention how nice a vacation without kids would be, that she had 3 kids and 10 daycare kids with no vacations, and therefore I had no room to complain. Jump forward to this weekend, with all 3 kids staying at her house while Steve and I got away. Just Friday night through Sunday midday. We dropped the kids off at about 4:30 pm and went and had a wonderful evening. (More on that later) At breakfast the next morning, I called her to see how the kids were doing. Keep in mind she has had them for 18 hours at this point. Her response? "I don't know how you do this every day. It's been more than I can handle; I had to send A**** with your dad, I couldn't handle it." Finally, I am vindicated. I have earned her respect (and apologies) for doing something she cannot. Yay seems understated for how I feel about this, but YAY! anyways!